‘Spokesman Scandal’
Season 2, Episode 5 - Aired October 13, 2016
Glenn questions his judgement after the Cloud 9 spokesman is arrested. Amy and Jonah challenge each other to a series of dares. Meanwhile, Cheyenne is annoying her co-workers with baby talk.
Quote from Garrett
Dina: The test will detect any drugs in your system. We're talking marijuana, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines.
Garrett: What about power pellets?
Dina: Ah... I don't see that. What are they?
Garrett: Oh, you just take some big boppers, you cut in some fetty wap, you put a little disco shake on there, and then you roll that up in some Doc McStuffins. Smoke it. Get real high.
Quote from Jeff
Jeff: As most of you may have heard, our company spokesman has been accused of some improprieties.
Garrett: By improprieties, you mean killing and eating people, right? Or is there a tax evasion thing going on as well?
Jeff: The killing and eating. I can't speak to his tax situation.
Quote from Dina
Dina: I have a work-related question. What security measures are we taking to avoid revenge crimes?
Glenn: Revenge crimes?
Dina: Families of the victims trying to eat us as payback. I mean, that's what I would do.
Quote from Amy
Amy: [over PA] Attention Cloud 9 shoppers: We hope you're having a lovely day. If you have any questions or concerns, please find our lead salesman, Charles.
Jonah: Is there anything we should know about him?
Amy: He is in charge. [sings] ♪ Charles in charge ♪ ♪ Of our days ♪ ♪ And our nights ♪ ♪ Charles in charge ♪ ♪ Of our wrongs ♪ ♪ And our rights ♪ ♪ And I sing ♪ ♪ I want ♪ ♪ I want Charles in charge ♪ ♪ Of me ♪ [sighs] [sings in Spanish]
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Oh, well, as it turns out, Kyle was not a cannibal. He was only killing and eating people because he was high on marijuana. [off their looks] What?
Amy: It's just that I don't think that marijuana turns people into murderers.
Jonah: Otherwise we'd literally be surrounded by killers.
Glenn: You don't think people in this store do marijuana, do you?
Jonah: I mean...
Amy: Uh, probably.
Glenn: Well, how... how many of them?
Amy: Like... half.
Glenn: Half? Wait, half do, or half don't?
Amy: [stammering] It's both.
Glenn: Both?!
Quote from Garrett
Garrett: Damn, when white people go crazy, they really do it up.
Jonah: Yeah, we pretty much still have the market cornered on serial killing. It's one of the last non-integrated industries.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: No, no. It's not working. We're gonna have to drown this out. Everybody sing, okay? [sings] ♪ Down in the valley where Ezekiel wept ♪ ♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪ [talks] Come on, what's wrong with you? Garrett, give me a beat or something. Anything. [Garrett beat boxes] Okay. ♪ The finger of the devil is poking through the foam ♪
All: ♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪
Glenn: Cry it out! ♪ And the slide to hell goes all the way down ♪
All: ♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪
Glenn: Cry it out!
Quote from Garrett
Jeff: Anyway, does anybody have any questions?
Cheyenne: What is the difference between a zombie and a cannibal?
Garrett: Oh, okay, a zombie is undead, and a cannibal's just, like, a dude who eats people.
Jeff: So I kind of meant work-related questions.
Garrett: But I'm right though?
Jeff: He is correct.
Quote from Cheyenne
Cheyenne: That's my baby sleeping.
Garrett: Oh, cool.
Sandra: Aww.
Cheyenne: Sleeping.
Garrett: So cute.
Cheyenne: Sleeping.
Sandra: Like a little angel.
Cheyenne: Sleeping. Oh. Oh, my gosh, this next one's kind of funny. Sleeping. [laughs]
Quote from Garrett
Garrett: This has got to stop.
Sandra: Thank you.
Garrett: She is breaking an unspoken social contract. You show one photo. One. And we all say it's the cutest baby we ever seen even if it's creepy, which it is, because it's a shrunken-down human, and then we all move on with our lives.