Jonah: I wonder if they'll send one here.
Dina: A secret shopper? [scoffs] I'd know. I can always sniff out a fake. The only way a secret shopper's getting past me is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper. Like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.
Garrett: I'm gonna say this one more time. Deckard was not a replicant.
Dina: Then explain the friggin' unicorn!
Garrett: Director's Cut doesn't count!
Dina: I can't listen to the Blade Runner debate one more time.

Dina: Condolence cards, huh? Bummer. Who died?
Man: Uh, a friend of mine.
Dina: Hmm. You don't look very upset. Probably not that good a friend. Can I see a death certificate?
Man: I-I don't think I need a death certificate just to buy a card.
Dina: Well, well, well. Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies. What was your friend's name?
Man: I don't understand...
Dina: How did he die? What did he love? What kind of music was he into? Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel. Was he a vegetarian or normal? The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or...
Man: Enough, all right? I see what you're doing, and you're right. By the end, I didn't really know him anymore. May- Maybe I never really knew him. The point is, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. [walks off sobbing]
Dina: Hmm. [to a man buying a Bar Mitzvah card] Funny. You don't look Jewish.

Glenn: Mateo. What you doing in here?
Mateo: I'm investigating. What if there is no secret shopper? You ever think that corporate is spying on us with a secret employee?
Glenn: Well, no, but now that's all I can think about.
Mateo: You notice how Jonah never talks about what he was doing before this job?
Glenn: Well, sure, but I just figured he was a criminal. You'd be surprised how many of our employees have been.

Glenn: Okay, guys, nothing else matters but this secret shopper, okay? We need a plan. I know. What if we treated every customer like they were the secret shopper?
Garrett: Nah, that's never gonna work.
Glenn: Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

Mateo: Did I hear you ask about men's hats? I can help you with that.
Garrett: Uh, I got this, man.
Mateo: Okay, just thought I'd ask, since I've personally tested every hat we sell, and Garrett is a sexual predator.
Garrett: What?
Woman: Excuse me?
Mateo: Yeah, that's why his nickname is "The Rapist." Unconvicted, but we all know. Anyway, are we thinking Panama hat? Trilby? Tricorn?
Woman: You know what? I'm good.
Mateo: Okay, well, remember to ask for Mateo. He'll make your day-o!

Amy: So, um, you went over my head to Glenn?
Jonah: Well, no, it just sort of came up in conversation...
Glenn: Well, thank God he did. You know, you could stand to learn something from Mr. 100 here. That's a nickname that we came up with.
Jonah: He came up with.
Glenn: Yeah. I could think of a nickname for you too, but you haven't done anything really impressive lately. How about Little Miss "On Time"? Dr. Cool? Workules?
Amy: How about just Amy? Floor Supervisor.
Glenn: Boring. Wait. Bed, Bath, and Beyonce! Huh?

Garrett: Kirkwood got a secret shopper, but they did well. All the associates got raises.
Mateo: Like money?
Garrett: No. Like they were lifted up into the air and waved around... yeah, money.

Amy: This has got to be the lamest thing anyone has ever been cocky about.
Jonah: [sighs] I know. It's so embarrassing. I told them not to put that up there, but I guess they felt they had to honor me somehow.
Amy: You know you're just asking someone to draw a penis on your face, right?
Jonah: This must be really bittersweet for you, being surpassed by your protege. But now is no longer the time of Amy. No, now is the time of Ace.
Amy: Oh, Ace? Wow.
Jonah: Ace. They're calling me Ace now.
Amy: Strong words from a guy who led a flock of ducks into the store.
Jonah: My pocket was ripped. I didn't know I was trailing crackers.
Amy: Why are you even walking around with crackers in your pocket?
Jonah: Because they don't have the kind I like here.

Amy: All right, Marcus is in court today testifying against his grandmother, so I need you to help zone Clearance and then stock charcoal in Patio.
Jonah: Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore. It goes in Grocery. I got that answer right on the test. I know that because I got every answer right on the test.
Amy: This is supposed to be one of the last warm weekends of the year. Do you know what people like to do when the weather is nice?
Jonah: Eat soft-shell crab.
Amy: Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal for their grills in Patio. So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest, we'll make the switch after grilling season.
Jonah: Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff, shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?
Amy: I know how to do my job. I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy.
Jonah: Follow-up question: You don't still use MapQuest, do you?
Amy: It's very intuitive.

Dina: First time in our store?
Woman: [gasps] Oh, no. I've been here before.
Dina: Really? Because I have a pretty good memory for faces, right there... [clicks tongue] In my brain.
Woman: Well, you must have forgotten mine.
Dina: [chuckles] Yeah, I don't think so. It's very distinctive looking. But maybe it was my mistake. Guess you're just a regular customer doing some regular pet food shopping. Say, what type of pet do you have?
Woman: It's a dog.
Dina: What kind?
Woman: Cockapoo-
Dina: How old?
Woman: Four-
Dina: Gender?
Woman: Girl.
Dina: Well... Looks like you've got an answer for everything. So I'll just leave you to your shopping. [chuckles] Oh! I almost forgot to ask. What's your cat's name?
Woman: It's a dog.
Dina: Sure it is.