Woman: Where would I find men's hats?
Garrett: [exhales deeply] All right, you're gonna want to go to aisle 16, and then straight, uh... [turns around] Oh. Uh, who's this hat for? A boyfriend?
Woman: No. No boyfriend. It's for my dad.
Garrett: Tight, tight. Well, I could take you over there personally. And if you'd like, I could model some of the options for you. You know, they say my head looks amazing in hats.
Woman: [chuckles] All right.
Garrett: Yeah, that was cute and funny. Uh, let me tell you about myself...

Garrett: What the [bleep] was that?
Mateo: I don't know. I thought she was the secret shopper.
Garrett: So?
Mateo: There are raises on the line. So sorry, not sorry. I'm not here to make friends.
Garrett: Fine, whatever. I just hope for your sake, the secret shopper isn't one of us.
Mateo: W- Wait, wait. What does that mean?
Garrett: Pssh. I ain't even gonna tell you.
Mateo: No, no. You can tell me.
Garrett: Well, at the Penrose store, the corporate plant was an employee. And when he was done, everyone who was a dick to him got fired. But, hey, that's why I always try to be nice to all my coworkers, but I'm just kind of one of those guys that likes to keep his job, so... Good luck.
Mateo: Thank- Thank you.

Glenn: Well, no one's panicking. That's a good sign. We all just need to stay cool about this, right? I mean, I'm being cool.
Jonah: You know that's not a stress ball, right? It's a lemon.
Glenn: Let me have my process.

Amy: Am I imagining things, or did I ask you to stock the charcoal in Patio?
Jonah: Glenn told me...
Glenn: Jonah reminded me that charcoal is supposed to be in Grocery now.
Amy: Mm.
Glenn: We don't want to make any mistakes, not with a secret shopper in our mist. Wait, is it mist or midst? Which one were the gorillas in again?
Amy: Jonah?
Jonah: Mist.

Garrett: Hey, uh, are we sold out of charcoal?
Both: Grocery.
Garrett: Hmm. Where are tampons? Electronics?
Jonah: No, they're where tampons normally are.
Garrett: Okay.

Mateo: I mean, I've always wondered why an educated, privileged pretty boy would decide to work here. And then I noticed Jonah's car has Illinois plates.
Glenn: Oh.
Mateo: Do you know what else is in Illinois?
Glenn: Oh, soybeans.
Mateo: Cloud 9 headquarters.
Glenn: Oh!
Mateo: I mean, now it makes sense how he beat my score on that test; he probably wrote the test.
Glenn: Okay. Let's keep this under our hats. I don't want anyone to start acting weird around him.

Amy: [over PA] Will Jonah please report to Patio immediately? I repeat... Jonah to Patio... One second. Immediately!
Jonah: [over PA] Okay. I'm on my way.
Amy: Make sure that you actually are.
Jonah: I just said I am.
Amy: Yes, but sometimes you say you're going to do things, and then you don't.
Jonah: Why don't we have this discussion in person?
Amy: Given that you just started working here...
Glenn: What is going on?
Amy: Maybe you shouldn't tell me how to do my job.
Jonah: Or maybe you should leave the intercom open for more important announcements.
Garrett: [over PA] No, you guys go wild. I never want this to end.
Amy: I am your supervisor. Don't think you know this job better than me just because you did well on some stupid test.
Jonah: The test doesn't make me think I know better. The test is empirical proof that I do know better.

Teenager: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers. Dildos are on sale for 69 cents in aisle 69.
Amy: [over PA] Hey, bozo, we're using the intercom! Get off!
Teenager: Why don't you take your own advice? Baba Booey, Baba Booey! Howard Stern for president!
Glenn: Hey, I need that! Penis, penis, penis! Karen Figoletto is a skank!
Amy: Actually, kid, that's a lot more insightful than anything Jonah's got to say today.
Jonah: [over PA] Our manager seems to think I'm very insightful.
Amy: Yes, that's because you're a little ass-kissing [bleep]face. [puts receiver down]
Woman: Oh...
Amy: Have a heavenly day.

Dina: [slow slapping] Very convincing.
Woman: What do you mean, dear?
Dina: What I mean, "dear," is, if you'd just stayed in Pharmacy, I wouldn't have batted an eye. But no one your age is throwing their money away on a new bed. I mean, let's be honest. How many years of sleeping do you even have left?
Woman: I don't know what's happening here.
Dina: I'll tell you what's happening. Your cover's been blown, sweetheart. [to her broach] Hello, Chicago. I'm not stupid. [chuckles]

Mateo: Garrett, what up? Have you seen Jonah? I got some meatballs from that place he always calls "an unassuming gem."
Garrett: Why are you getting meatballs for Jonah?
Mateo: Because... [quietly] Jonah is a secret employee.
Garrett: [quietly] What? No. Bad news, though. Jonah hates meatballs.
Mateo: What?
Garrett: [takes bag] Doesn't like 'em. You know what he does like? He likes cakes from that bakery down on Birch.
Mateo: The one you're always talking about?
Garrett: Mm-hmm, yeah. That same one. Jonah likes it too. Jonah likes it too.
Mateo: Okay.
Garrett: He loves the cakes with coconut on them.
Mateo: Okay, coconut cake, bakery on Birch.
Garrett: None of that white chocolate stuff.
Mateo: Got it, I'm on it.
Garrett: That's what I'm talking about. [eats meatballs] [to male customer] You're a secret shopper, aren't you? [man looks away] That's cool. I won't tell.