Amy Quote #36
Amy: All right, Marcus is in court today testifying against his grandmother, so I need you to help zone Clearance and then stock charcoal in Patio.
Jonah: Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore. It goes in Grocery. I got that answer right on the test. I know that because I got every answer right on the test.
Amy: This is supposed to be one of the last warm weekends of the year. Do you know what people like to do when the weather is nice?
Jonah: Eat soft-shell crab.
Amy: Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal for their grills in Patio. So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest, we'll make the switch after grilling season.
Jonah: Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff, shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?
Amy: I know how to do my job. I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy.
Jonah: Follow-up question: You don't still use MapQuest, do you?
Amy: It's very intuitive.
Quote from Dina
Dina: Condolence cards, huh? Bummer. Who died?
Man: Uh, a friend of mine.
Dina: Hmm. You don't look very upset. Probably not that good a friend. Can I see a death certificate?
Man: I-I don't think I need a death certificate just to buy a card.
Dina: Well, well, well. Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies. What was your friend's name?
Man: I don't understand...
Dina: How did he die? What did he love? What kind of music was he into? Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel. Was he a vegetarian or normal? The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or...
Man: Enough, all right? I see what you're doing, and you're right. By the end, I didn't really know him anymore. May- Maybe I never really knew him. The point is, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. [walks off sobbing]
Dina: Hmm. [to a man buying a Bar Mitzvah card] Funny. You don't look Jewish.
Quote from Dina
Jonah: I wonder if they'll send one here.
Dina: A secret shopper? [scoffs] I'd know. I can always sniff out a fake. The only way a secret shopper's getting past me is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper. Like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.
Garrett: I'm gonna say this one more time. Deckard was not a replicant.
Dina: Then explain the friggin' unicorn!
Garrett: Director's Cut doesn't count!
Dina: I can't listen to the Blade Runner debate one more time.
Quote from Lady Boss
Jonah: It wasn't why I was doing it, but I really tapped into something here. These guys are really freaked out about the acquisition.
Amy: Yeah, everybody's freaked out. It's a freaky time. Just tell 'em to take it down and get back to work.
Jonah: Ah, but that'd kinda just be like a Band-Aid, wouldn't it?
Amy: Yeah, Band-Aids heal things. Why does everybody hate Band-Aids?
Quote from Maternity Leave
Amy: Sorry, you think that a bath bomb is the answer to all of my problems?
Glenn: It's not a real bomb, and-
Amy: Just kill yourself!
Amy: Kill yourself!
Amy: No, you don't get to talk right now! I am so tired! I have slept 90 minutes in three days. The lining of my uterus is coming out in clumps. I have hemorrhoids so big that my doctor looked at my [bleep] and said "Whoa!" Have you ever had a doctor look at your [bleep] and say that?
Glenn: [softly] No.
Amy: I am wearing frozen diapers so that my [bleep] doesn't fall out. Okay?!
Glenn: I know, I was just-
Amy: Why haven't you killed yourself?!