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Shoplifter

‘Shoplifter’

Season 1, Episode 5 -  Aired January 11, 2016

After Amy is forced to bring her daughter, Amy, to work, she asks Jonah to look after her. Meanwhile, Dina tries to catch a shoplifter, and an elderly customer dies in the store.

Quote from Cheyenne

Cheyenne: So, the episiotomy is when they have to snip the area between your vagina and your butthole so that you don't tear your pee-hole.
Mateo: You know, it's not working, okay? I'm not getting off this couch.
Cheyenne: And it's all held together by a mucus plug, so imagine, like, a bag of cherry pie filling, but it has a hole in it, but the hole's being blocked by a big ball of snot.
Mateo: Yep, yep, miracle of life. Get it.
Cheyenne: I wonder if I'll eat my placenta.

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Quote from Dina

Jonah: Uh, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but, do you remember your first period? Because...
Dina: February 4th, 2003. It was a Tuesday. Unseasonably warm.
Jonah: Okay, so...
Dina: I was 19. Late bloomer, though I've more than made up for that since. My gyno says I ovulate like a champ. I drop eggs hard.
Jonah: All right, uh...
Dina: You know my aunt was born with two vaginas? Yeah, she always thought it would help her date, but it didn't. She died alone. Well, she will die alone. She's still alive. She's only like 50 or something.
Jonah: Okay, thanks. Think I got all the information I need.
Dina: [chuckles] God, I'm good at flirting.

Quote from Cheyenne

Dina: Well, we can likely rule out foul play. According to his license, he was 87. Probably died of old age.
Cheyenne: My great-grandma died the same way. Her mom too. Bad genes, I guess.

Quote from Amy

Amy: My cousin Ricky started out shoplifting. Now he's bangin' out license plates in some prison trying to avoid a big guy named Crazy Eyes.
Julie: Crazy Eyes is a character in Orange Is the New Black.
Amy: Crazy Eyes is a character in every prison in America, ladrona puta.
Julie: Is she okay? I don't understand what's happening.
Amy: It's boxing.

Quote from Amy

Jonah: No, no, no, no, your secret is safe with me. I'm not telling anybody. Hi, I'm Jonah.
Emma: Yeah, I figured. You're right, he is incompetent.
Jonah: You told her I was incompetent? Ba-na-na-na. Talk about me at home? I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted.
Amy: Don't be flattered.

Quote from Mateo

Garrett: Hey, hey, hey! Okay, okay. Y'all in Judge Garrett's court now. You both want the couch. Plead your case. Go.
Cheyenne: I'm pregnant, and I have so little... [sobs] Where's the baby gonna sit?
Mateo: Uh, fake cry. I invented fake crying. [sobs] She was my sister! God. I just want to hold her one more time.
Cheyenne: Wow, you could be in a Lifetime movie.
Mateo: Thanks.

Quote from Amy

Dina: [snaps fingers] Hey! You! Rodriguez! Follow me. [Amy doesn't move] What's the hold up?
Amy: Well, I don't like when people snap in my face. I'm busy. My name's not "Rodriguez." There are so many reasons.

Quote from Glenn

Glenn: Okay, Amy, could you come and say a few secular words?
Amy: Um... [takes deceased driver's license] Charles, uh, wasn't just a man who needed corrective lenses, he was also not an organ donor. And, um, in conclusion, he lived on Oak Street.
Glenn: Thank you.

Quote from Glenn

Mateo: So tragic. What's gonna happen to the couch?
Glenn: What? The couch?
Mateo: It was the fanciest one in the store.
Cheyenne: He died on the fancy couch? Does that mean it's gonna be on sale?
Dina: We don't have to tell anyone somebody died on it.
Glenn: Not disclosing someone died on it is lying. I'm a man of truth, Dina. Maybe lying's your thing.
Dina: Oh, you like truth, huh?
Glenn: Yeah.
Dina: How 'bout this truth: You have the hands of a middle-aged woman.
Glenn: You want to play the truth game?
Dina: Sure.
Glenn: Fine. Your podcast is a mess. Yeah, no one wants to hear your rambling. Just get to the interview.

Quote from Garrett

Dina: Hey, Garrett. I've got a shoplifter in my cross-hairs.
Garrett: Hmm, I've taken four breaks today, so I guess we both got stuff to brag about.

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