Kramer: Well, you know, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see, they like to sell their own coffee.
Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.

Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again.
George: So...?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way. [takes a chip]
Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh?
George: No. [dips the chip] You dip the way you want to dip... [bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [dips again]

Jerry: By the time the race was over, I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: And I had won by so much, a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was amiss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
Elaine: Well, what happened when you raced him again?
Jerry: I never did. In four years of high school, I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents, pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone, "I chose not to run."

Elaine: Oh, don't you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy.
Jerry: Hey, you know what, I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's where they got it from.

George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more, and you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!

Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman. What gives?
Newman: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Newman: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.
Jerry: Really?
Newman: Oh, yes. In fact, I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her, bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.
Jerry: That's a shame.
Newman: Take me! Take me!
Jerry: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh, yes. Mark my words, Seinfeld. Your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching. Watching as it all comes crumbling down. [evil laugh]

Newman: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ah. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man. But I have made a decision. We will... cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
Elaine: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! All right, fine. Fine. Go ahead. [stands up] Cut the stupid thing in half.
Kramer: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Newman: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!

Elaine: How come he's getting so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know... not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

Frank Costanza: I'm sitting at home reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [slaps George in the head]
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank Costanza: Who put you up to this? Was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: You want a piece of me? You got it!

Kramer: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Because I'm working there, that's why.
Jerry: How long have I been asleep? What year is it?
Kramer: Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly.
Jerry: Now that you mention it...
Kramer: But I finally realized what's missing in my life. Structure. And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done. And I love the people I'm working with.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly. So, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: TCB. You know, taking care of business. I gotta go. I'll see you tonight. Forget my briefcase.
Jerry: Well, what do you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.