TV Quotes

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the thing about old people is that they get smaller. You know, their bodies get smaller. They move into smaller places. They sleep less time. They eat smaller meals. Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. I've never understood that. And old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. You know what I mean? They don't turn from side to side. They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. I'm backing it out." You know? "I'm coming back. Watch out, buddy, I'm coming.", you know. And you've gotta watch out for them. And then once they get out there, they drive so slowly. And I would think the less time you have in life, the faster you would want to go. You know, I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're eighty, do eighty. If you're a hundred, go a hundred. I mean, they can't see where they're going anyway. Let them have a little fun out there.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The life expectancy is now 72, I think, for men. 75 or 76 or something for women. It's amazing to think that just a couple of thousands of years ago, life expectancy was 30. Which, in our terms, would mean that you get your driver's license around 5, you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. In your late teens, you move down to Florida. I guess that's how spring break got started. I don't know. And then, eventually, people are saying things about you like, "Well, it's amazing. He's 28, but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp you'd think you were talking to a two-year-old."

Newman: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance Of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ah. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man. But I have made a decision. We will... cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
Elaine: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?! All right, fine. Fine. Go ahead. [stands up] Cut the stupid thing in half.
Kramer: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Newman: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!

Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman. What gives?
Newman: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Newman: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.
Jerry: Really?
Newman: Oh, yes. In fact, I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her, bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.
Jerry: That's a shame.
Newman: Take me! Take me!
Jerry: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh, yes. Mark my words, Seinfeld. Your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching. Watching as it all comes crumbling down. [evil laugh]