Kramer: [answers phone] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. Brought to you by The New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday: Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon, "You've got to get me over that mountain!" "No!" [bang, bang] "Argh" There is no place higher than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.
Elaine: Kramer, is that you?
Kramer: Elaine?
Elaine: Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
Kramer: I don't know.

Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry. This is, uh... This is kind of embarrassing... but there's no toilet paper over here.
Jane: Are you talking to me?
Elaine: Yeah. I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some...
Jane: No, I'm sorry.
Elaine: What?
Jane: No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.
Elaine: You can't spare it?
Jane: No. There's not enough to spare.
Elaine: Well, I don't need much. Just three squares will do it.
Jane: I'm sorry, I don't have three squares. Now, if you don't mind...
Elaine: Three squares? You can't spare three squares?
Jane: No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square!
Elaine: Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply. One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!
Jane: Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply! [toilet flushes]
Elaine: No, no, don't go! I beg you!

Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Jerry: Rabies.
Kramer: Oh, that's fatal. You don't want that!
Elaine: [grabs Kramer] I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!

Estelle Costanza: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o'clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk. I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: Ma.
Estelle Costanza: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could have cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle Costanza: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!
George: All right, Ma, that's enough!

Male Voice: [on the phone] Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Male Voice: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Male Voice: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and... Do you believe in God?
David Puddy: Yes.
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
David Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
David Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
David Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.

Jerry: "The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp"?
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, "Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you."
Jerry: Really? That's great. You said that to him?
George: Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
Jerry: Oh. That's not quite the same.
George: No. No, it's not. You don't know this guy. It would have been so sweet.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back, don't you? Because people get a little edgy around that ATM, don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is a urinal. You want some distance there, too. ATMs and urinals. I guess whenever someone's taking valuables out of their pants, you want to give them as much room as possible.

D.A. Hoyt: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Mabel Choate.
Jackie Chiles: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.

[George is eating popcorn as he watches TV. He doesn't break his concentration as his phone rings and his answering machine picks up]
George: [on answer phone, to tune of "The Greatest American Hero"] Believe it or not George isn't at home Please leave a message At the beep I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.