George: What if she discusses it with Jane?
Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
Jerry: Isn't it common knowledge?

Rachel: Strange man.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.
[Rachel walks in on George as he's changing his swim suit]
Rachel: Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. [chuckles] I'm really sorry.
George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

Jerry: See, the thing about eating a black-and-white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Elaine: Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times.
Jerry: Um, um. Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie.
[Jerry raises his cookie to an African-American man, who mirrors the gesture]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Elaine: Anyway, so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that church on Amsterdam.
Jerry: Oh, volunteer work. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

Estelle Costanza: Is it safe to come in?
George: Oh, of course. Of course.
Estelle Costanza: You're not having any of your transvestite parties?
Frank Costanza: Will you stop it?
Estelle Costanza: I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!

Mel Sanger: Excuse me. Anyway, we were watching you on TV.
Jerry: You get in the bubble with him?
Mel Sanger: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.
Jerry: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
Mel Sanger: No, it's clear.
Jerry: Ah-ha.
Elaine: Who has the remote?
Mel Sanger: He does.
Elaine: The remote goes through the bubble?
Mel Sanger: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
Jerry: So you have no control over the remote?
Mel Sanger: No, it's frustrating.

Mrs. Nyhart: Did the broker send you over?
Kramer: Uh, yes, most likely. Yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. Yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. [sniffs wall] Mmm. Mombasa, hmm?
Mrs. Nyhart: The asking price is $1.5 million.
Kramer: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?
Mrs. Nyhart: No.
Kramer: How about a bathroom?
Mrs. Nyhart: It has 4.
Kramer: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?
Mrs. Nyhart: Just down the hall.
Kramer: Oh, thank you.

Jerry: Oh, great, Elaine. What is wrong with my body?
Elaine: Chicken-wing shoulder blades.
Jerry: That's it?
Elaine: No, but that's one problem. Why?
Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day...
Elaine: Whoa. Walking around naked? That is not a good look for a man.
George: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
Elaine: Well, female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.
Jerry: So you don't think it's attractive?
Elaine: It's hideous. The hair, the lumpiness. It's simian.
George: Well, some women like it.
Elaine: Sickies.