Jerry: All right, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?
Newman: Well, there is a little something you can do for me...
Jerry: Come on, out with it.
Newman: It's about... Elaine.
Jerry: Elaine? What does she have to- Oh no.
Newman: You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!
Jerry: [shrugs] Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids.

Elaine: What are you guys doing here?
Jerry: We're getting vasectomies.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: [to Elaine] I'm doing it for you.
Elaine: What?

Newman: Not going to play ball, huh? All right. Admit it. That stereo was all ready busted.
Jerry: You can't prove anything.
Newman: Is this or is this not your signature?
Jerry: No, as a matter of fact, it isn't.
Newman: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. [Jerry takes his soda as he leaves] Jerry.

Jerry: Someone's cooking.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--
Jerry: I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.
Newman: Damn you, Seinfeld. You useless pustule!

Newman: How much longer you gonna be? I'm starving here.
Kramer: Just a few more squirts. 'cause I gotta stay juicy.
Newman: The smell. It's still with you, huh?
Kramer: Yeah, it's baked on it. Hey, put a stick of butter in. Stir it up so it will melt. Oh, yeah. That feels good. Ah, now I'm simmering.
[A hungry Newman starts to worry that he's finding Kramer appetizing]
Newman: [runs out] I'll meet you at the coffee shop!

Kramer: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me!
Newman: Here. Hold this.
Kramer: What is this, parsley?

Newman: You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Model: I could listen to you talk about mail all day.
Newman: Anything you wish. I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless. [laughs]

Kramer: You got any pliers?
Jerry: What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?
Newman: Hilarious.

Newman: I can't believe I'm being evicted.
Kramer: What? What are you talking about?
Newman: The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building.
Kramer: No. No, he can't do that.
Newman: I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the train yard, eating out of a bucket.

Kramer: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
Newman: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.
Kramer: Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
Newman: Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.
Kramer: Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out.
Newman: Hey, what is that up that tree?
Kramer: Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
Newman: No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.
Kramer: Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?
Newman: The Pacific Northwest.