Mr. Thompson: So, anyway, I've been an addicted since I was 14. About a year ago, I realized it was time to wake up and get sober.
Elliot: So you finally just hit rock bottom?
Mr. Thompson: No, no, no. I hit a cop. But anyway, since I wasn't willing to do the things, you know, you need to do in jail to get narcotics, at least not enthusiastically, I... I got clean.
Dr. Cox: I have a game: Raise your hand if you're full of crap. Sam, if you don't raise your hand you're going to lose the game.
Mr. Thompson: Come on, man. You don't know how hard it's been to stay strict.
Todd: Been there, brother.

Dr. Kelso: Listen up people, gather around. Not you, Mr. Miller, staff only. All right, this is going to be very sample. Whoever has been stealing scrubs is going to raise their hand, pay the hospital back, and be immediately fired. Let's see 'em. Okay, you people leave me no choice.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: There. Now you all have to wear scrubs so hideous that no one would steal them. You brought this on yourselves, you thieving bastards.

Carla: Turk, I need to talk to you about Rowdy.
Turk: Hey, wait. Before you say anything, sorry I skipped out on breakfast to goof around with Rowdy. But you've got to understand, Rowdy is more than a dead toy to J.D. and me. We got him together in college and he's always been there.
[later:]
Carla: The key to the Salsa is passion.
Janitor: And... spin!

Elliot: Look, I know that you feel stupid for falsely accusing Sam, but it all goes away if you just apologize to him.
Dr. Cox: Way ahead of you on that score, Barboo. I wanted to surprise the gentleman with something I thought he'd really enjoy so I went out and got him a brick of heroine shaped like a heart. Now, if I could just find him a funny card.
Elliot: If you really thought he was still drug addict you wouldn't let him counsel people.
Dr. Cox: Of course, I would. Addicts make the very best counselors because they know just exactly what druggies are going through, mainly because, and see if you can follow this, they're currently going through it too.
Elliot: I don't care what you think, I'm always gonna believe in people.
Dr. Cox: All the best with that, Barbidiot.

Dr. Kelso: You brought these caca-colored scrubs on yourselves, folks. And thanks for playing along with that hideous suit, Ted.
Ted: Playing along with what, Sir?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Looking sharp. Wow.

Carla: See? It's fine. Nobody's trying to poison y- [slumps]
Janitor: I knew it. She's gone. Oh, boy, someone's going to have to tell black doctor. I do not want that job.
Carla: [screams]
Janitor: [screams] Damn it! Zombie!
Carla: I can't do this anymore. I'm out.
Janitor: What? Oh, no no, toots. You're out when I say you're out. [A man places powder in the Janitor's coffee cup] I saw that, Frank.

Dr. Kelso: Well, tuna fish on a sponge. She's getting closer!
Maggie: Hey, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Maggie. I thought we were going to take care of that foot.
Maggie: I don't have insurance. It's okay, I'll get by.

J.D.: Oh my God, he's gone. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Turk: I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him.
[meanwhile:]
Mr. Thompson: I mean, guys, I know all about bottoming out. And it wasn't long ago that I was out there on my knees, praying to the Gods, just for help.
J.D.: God please!
Turk: Lord! Please, God!
J.D.: Please God.
Turk: Bring him back!
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Bring him back!
Mr. Thompson: That was weird.

Mr. Thompson: Are you seriously doing the cliched sarcastic slow clap? Because that is way too 1980s.
Dr. Cox: It was a hell of a performance. The attitude, the indignation, it was damn near believable, do you know that?
Mr. Thompson: Honestly I-I don't really feel the need to convince you of anything, but I would say that if you're waiting to watch me slip, then things are gonna get really frustrating for you.
Lloyd: Let me tell you something, man. This guy is amazing, okay? He's unbelievable. To even get into his class, you have to bring any drugs you have at home, so you're not tempted.
Dr. Cox: Let's see if I've got this right. You have to give your drugs to him?
Lloyd: Absolutely, yeah. Oh, that reminds me. I found these in my dryer.
Mr. Thompson: Thank you, Lloyd. Thank you. He's doing very well.
Dr. Cox: Even I have to admit, that's pretty dark clever.
Mr. Thompson: Thanks, I, um, I came up with that when I was shooting up with my sponsor in the back of his El Camino, so crazy!
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go and take this whole moment, I'm gonna find Dr. Barbie, and I'm going to rub it in her face.

Janitor: [as Rowdy] Well, howdy, boys. Remember me?
Ted: Ghost dog! Ghost-dog!