Carla: Turk! You know I hate that damn dog.
Janitor: No, it's not bald, black doctor. It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit janitor. And this is the real Rowdy.
Carla: Excuse me?!
Janitor: You recall that a couple of years ago you lost him? You were panicked that your husband was gonna find out, so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army, in exchange for Steven, an exact replica. What you don't know is that I retraced your steps that day, and I found Rowdy. Now I think, if your husband knew that he'd been loving a fake dead dog all this time, he'd be very unhappy.
Carla: You're a crazy person.
Janitor: Am I?! Or am I a brilliant mastermind who's waited two long years until he needed something from you?! And now that day has come. Here's what I want. I want your baby. We already talked about that. I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich. And then to go salsa dancing with me. Also, I want you to teach me the salsa dance. I want a pound of frankincense, mostly just to see what it is. And lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with the main barista, down at CoffeeBucks, he's not above poisoning me, so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage tester, yes?
Carla: I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk. Hmm.
Janitor: [growls] No, easy boy. We'll get her.

Carla: Here's the deal. When nobody's looking, we grab Steven and make him go bye bye, then there'll be only one dog left, so when Lurch suddenly shows up with the real Rowdy, Turk will have to assume that he's the one who stole him from the car. Got it?
Nurse Roberts: Whatever. Lets do this. Laverne Roberts! [smashes window with fist]
Carla: Laverne?! I've got the keys right here!

Maggie: Hi, Bob. That's why I always save you a place. You keep the riff-raff in check.
Dr. Kelso: My pleasure. Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today. A stapler and a golf ball. She's not well.
Maggie: I'll trade you. My apple for your golf ball.
Dr. Kelso: Done.

J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to convince the morgue guy to sit on the paperwork so that the deceased's bed stays open.
Doug: Deal!
J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to get the floor nurse just to play along.
Nurse Roberts: Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.
J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to find the surgeon to do the work pro-bono.
Todd: Dude, I've had a pro bono like all morning. Something-might-be-wrong five.
Turk: I got this one.

J.D.: [v.o.] But most importantly you cannot let any higher-ups find out that a patient is uninsured. Even if they are the ones who brought her here in the first place.
Maggie: Bob, I wanna thank you for doing all this even though I don't have any-
Turk: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.
Dr. Kelso: What is it?
J.D.: Ah, we wanna go somewhere with you.
Dr. Kelso: Okay. Where?
J.D.: A spa. We'd like to get some massages.
Dr. Kelso: Mmm. Well, I know just the place.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, good morning, fellas!
[J.D. and Turk avoid eye contact]
Turk: Hi, sir, how are you?
J.D.: Lookin' good.
Dr. Kelso: Why so awkward? You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?
Turk: No, not-not that happy.
J.D.: But thank you, for including us.

Elliot: I'm in a hurry. I promised one of my patients that I would be at his first first day of drug counseling. See? I got it right here.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Bar-boo! Give me a break. Why, on God's name do you think I'd care about anything that you wrote down?
Elliot: You wouldn't.
[Dr. Kelso walks into a door]
Elliot: Ha!
Carla: Nice!

Carla: Hey, can you believe who the new drug counselor is?
Mr. Thompson: I just want you all to know that I've been right where you are. Hell, a couple of years ago I was in this very hospital scamming that nice doctor over there for painkillers. Can everyone say hi to Dr. Reid?
All: Hi, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Hey, drug addicts! What's up?

Carla: Hey, where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast.
Turk: My bad, I was hanging out with J.D. and Rowdy and we decided to pull a prank that we used to do back in the day.
[flashback to J.D. and Turk hiding behind an ambulance as Ted drives by:]
J.D.: Here goes Ted. Go, go, go! Pull!
[J.D. and Turk pull Rowdy, who is wearing roller skates on his feet, across the road into the path of Ted's car]
Ted: [singing I love you, I love you I love my- Oh, dog! Ghost dog.
[Ted swerves and crashes into a utility pole, which falls down onto the hospital's transformer]
[in the hospital, as the lights go off:]
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, people, we have a backup generator. [lights come on] Aah, thank God, I was just bluffing.
[present:]
Turk: Won't be doing that again.

Dr. Kelso: Now, why in the hell are we paying this much money for scrubs?
Ted: Maybe people are stealing them.
Dr. Kelso: Now why would people be stealing scrubs?
[flashback to Ted arriving home in blue scrubs:]
Ted: Hey, mom. A guy tried to die on me today, but I didn't let him. I didn't let him!
[flashback to Laverne's church choir, all wearing hospital scrubs:]
Choir: [singing] What a friend we have in Jesus
[flashback to J.D. in the shower. His shower curtain is made up of scrubs knitted together, while he uses scrubs as towels]
[present:]
Doug: Excuse me, guys, stealing scrubs here.