Dr. Cox: Barbie. Are you sure you went into his lungs? 'cause it looks like you're blowing up his stomach. Aw, dammit, his O2 sat's dropping. Get out of the way, honey. Come on.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even if you've done a procedure five thousand times, there's no guarantee you won't screw up number five thousand, one.
Dr. Cox: A few more seconds, we would have been coding this guy. Take that. Barbie, as hard as it is to remember, but air... goes in the lungs.

J.D.: Can I practice my toast on you?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: I'm opening with a quote from 'Spartacus'.

Carla: He's crashing. He needs to be intubated!
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms, and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead's wedding, and I got a resident who can't do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.
Elliot: I'm sorry, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I don't know what to do. I'll tell you what to do: Get the hell out of here. I swear to God, Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way, please just go ahead and extract some of that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins!

J.D.: Oh, man, this is amazing. I'm your best friend, now I'm your best man. What am I gonna be best at next?
Turk: How about best at not talking?
J.D.: [v.o.] One one thousand, two one thousand. And now I'm best at that.

J.D.: [v.o.] Sure, I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man. But I'm not gonna be petty.
I mean, when the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements, I gave them to him.
Turk: Dude! I look like I'm going to Farrakhan day-camp.
J.D.: Just paint your legs black, you'll be fine.
Turk: Look at this lame-ass bow-tie and cummerbund, man!

Elliot: Are we, uh, flirting?
Dr. Casey: A little bit.
Elliot: Awesome.
Dr. Casey: Have you seen the roof toilet?
Elliot: No. But I'm a nervous pooer.
Dr. Casey: Okay, now we're definitely not flirting.
Elliot: Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know. Like extra locks.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.
Elliot: How are the bathrooms at the White House?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.

Dr. Kelso: I could have both of you suspended.
Dr. Cox: You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it.

Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers. Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof. [to Todd, who just entered] There is not a toilet on the roof!
Todd: But you just said there was.
Janitor: No. Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor. Uh, that means "God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof." Right? People?
Nurse Roberts: That's right, ain't nothing up there.
Todd: Cool. [does the sign of the cross]

Dr. Casey: I'm sorry it took me so long I had to go home. That damn roof toilet's got my number.
Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Casey: Oh, God, no! I can't even sit on it.
Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before. I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!"

Dr. Kelso: I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!
Carla: I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I, uh well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.