‘My Porcelain God’
Season 3, Episode 13 - Aired February 17, 2004
J.D. and Dr. Casey (Michael J. Fox) discover the janitor has installed a toilet on the roof, which becomes the scene of epiphanies for the hospital staff. After Dr. Kelso closes down an entire wing of the hospital, Dr. Cox and Carla get revenge by using Kelso's office as a patient room. J.D. is hurt to find out he wasn't Turk's first choice for best man. After Elliot loses her confidence following trouble intubating a patient, she feels like the only person who Dr. Casey hasn't helped.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: What's wrong?
Elliot: Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.
J.D.: Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Trust me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern.
Snoop Dogg Intern: Where my hos at?
J.D.: I haven't seen them.
Elliot: Look, I don't wanna sound pathetic, but, he didn't even help me.
J.D.: He didn't help a lot of people, Elliot. It was just me, and Turk, and Carla, and Dr. Cox, and Doug, and Dr. Mickhead-
Elliot: Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab.
J.D.: Was in rehab, Elliot. Was. He'll never huff paint again.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle.
Dr. Cox: He's here.
Dr. Kelso: I want them both out of my office.
Carla: Sir, there's a ton of empty beds right here. All you have to do is flick the switch.
Dr. Kelso: You know how to do that, don't you, Bob? You just bend over and flick.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: With Marbury, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.
Turk: Yeah, me too. Which sport are we talking about?
J.D.: I wanna say tennis.
Quote from Carla
Carla: You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50, but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.
Dr. Cox: Right, right.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: [v.o.] So far no epiphanies. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin' icicles! Eh, at least no one saw me go.
E.M.T.: Go! Let's go, let's go!
Elliot: Uh, hi. We don't have a helicopter pad.
E.M.T.: We're out of time! He's losing oxygen, he needs to be intubated now!
Elliot: Okay, just let me get someone.
E.M.T.: Now! You! Let's go! Do it! Come on!
Elliot: I'm in.
Dr. Casey: You see, this is why I wanted you to use the bathroom up here. If there's something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient or copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up roadblocks, just know you can drive right through 'em. And if that doesn't help, maybe this will. [kisses Elliot]
[reality: Elliot fell asleep on the roof toilet and had an epiphany]
Quote from Turk
J.D.: Actually it goes a little lower.
Turk: I don't know why Carla wants me to wear a cummerbund, let alone a red one.
J.D.: Well, come on. As your best man, trust me, it's not about the style, it's about the fit. When you're out there on the dance floor, you don't want any restrictions, okay? Let's test these babies out one more time.
Turk: Okay, ready? Five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight. And drop it, right, it's hot.
J.D.: It is hot!
Turk: Put one hand on the floor!
J.D.: I can't reach!
Turk: You better feel the burn!
J.D.: I can feel it burning!
Tailor: Where I grew up, they didn't allow two men to marry.