Dr. Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart "Who-Caresies" Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutia of their lives.
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing was I think we all really wanted to win.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Going To Do About My Ex-Fiancee?". [applause] Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging". [applause] Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth". [applause] The Todd for: "Look At My New Shirt". [awards-style split screen] And the winner is Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!

Elliot: Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late, I hope I didn't interrupt anything important-
Turk: Actually, since I'm diabetic, Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months, so she was helping me choose which one to go with. First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all dark chocolate and I know this sounds weird, but Jujubes. Then Carla was like, "What about Junior Mints?", and I was like, "Junior Mints? Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'd just lap some toothpaste on a whatchamacallit bar and go to town on that bad boy!" You know what I'm saying? She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad. Come here, come here, Elliot. [they hug]
Elliot: No.
Turk: Okay. [walks away]
Carla: What did he ask you?
Elliot: Oh, he just wanted to know if there's anything I needed.
Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: He asked me if they still make Mars bars.

Carla: So, how did it go with Keith?
Elliot: I haven't told him yet. His whole family's in town for the wedding, and so my house is filled to the freaking rafters with the Dudemeisters.
J.D.: You know how my college girlfriend, Stacy, broke up with me? She arranged it so that when I came home from class, I was able to see her riding in pleasure beneath a big, brown butt.
Turk: How many times do I have to apologize for that?
J.D.: [holding bread rolls] I still have nightmares about your cheeks, Turk, just bouncing, and bouncing. I can't sleep.

J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kim. I know because of work I haven't seen you in a while, but do you mind if I grab a drink with Turk, tonight?
Turk: Tell her my dad died.
Kim: Go have fun with your friend. I'm gonna stay in and eat.
J.D.: Thanks, babe. Bye. [hangs up] See Turk? Now we can save that dad dying thing to go see the new panda baby at the zoo.
Turk: Oh, It's to late for that. She died.
J.D.: Not Ming-Ming?
Turk: Her mama sat on her and then ate her.
J.D.: Stupid nature.

J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What's wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed to you!
Dr. Cox: What question?

Dr. Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you were admitted for swollen lymph node and abdominal pain.
Mr. Hutnik: I'm also having heart palpitations.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that. Well, you see, I'm very, very handsome.
Mr. Hutnik: I was gonna say.
Dr. Cox: Beardface, what you say?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! Why did you people insist on calling me Beardface!
Mr. Hutnik: [clears throat] May I?
Dr. Cox: Go for it.
Mr. Hutnik: Well, I-I just got here, but if I had to guess I would say it's 'cause your face is, like, 5/6ths beard.
Dr. Beardfacé: Damn you!

Elliot: Keith's been totally unprofessional.
Carla: Well, you were supposed to marry him last weekend?
Dr. Kelso: Speaking of which, I gave you a very high-end cappuccino maker, and seeing as there aren't going to be any nuptials-
Elliot: Yeah, yeah. You'll get it back.
Dr. Kelso: Great.
Elliot: Keith and I have to work together. How am I supposed to fix this?
Carla: You can't. You just gotta let him hate you you for a while.
Elliot: No, we can get through this. I'm gonna talk to him. Hey, wait a minute. We've only got one cappuccino maker and it was from my brother Barry.
Dr. Kelso: Worth a shot.

J.D.: Who are the flowers for?
Janitor: My girlfriend.
J.D.: You have a girlfriend?
Janitor: Just 'cause I'm a janitor means no woman could possibly be attracted to me?
J.D.: No.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes.
Janitor: There she is, right down there.
J.D.: Really? What's her name?
Janitor: Lady.
J.D.: Lady?
Janitor: You don't believe me?
J.D.: Well, let's just say you've lied to me before.
Janitor: Watch this. Hey, Lady! Stay there. Don't- Don't come down here. I'll get these to you later. Your witness.

Turk: And then I had this weird crystallizing moment. I realized I didn't have to choose the candy. I could just let the candy choose me.
Mr. Hutnik: So what you get?
Turk: Bit O'Honey.
Mr. Hutnik: Oh! I'm so, so sorry.
Turk: Don't be. I ate that bad boy and I own a half going on, I'm still pulling bits o' it out of my teeth.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, Gandhidiot. We'd be all be better served if we fill this patient with the creamy caramel center.

J.D.: Big news, Sports' Fans! I've decided to start calling everyone sports fans. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jokey type, but I watched Hoosiers last night and I like sports now. Anybody have any objections? Marjory? Shocking. You're usually the one who has something to say about everything. I know you're the one who started the rumor that I like dudes. Alright, sports fans! I've almost gone an entire day without sabotaging myself. Hello?