Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Elliot: Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late, I hope I didn't interrupt anything important-
Turk: Actually, since I'm diabetic, Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months, so she was helping me choose which one to go with. First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all dark chocolate and I know this sounds weird, but Jujubes. Then Carla was like, "What about Junior Mints?", and I was like, "Junior Mints? Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'd just lap some toothpaste on a whatchamacallit bar and go to town on that bad boy!" You know what I'm saying? She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad. Come here, come here, Elliot. [they hug]
Elliot: No.
Turk: Okay. [walks away]
Carla: What did he ask you?
Elliot: Oh, he just wanted to know if there's anything I needed.
Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: He asked me if they still make Mars bars.

Carla: So, how did it go with Keith?
Elliot: I haven't told him yet. His whole family's in town for the wedding, and so my house is filled to the freaking rafters with the Dudemeisters.
J.D.: You know how my college girlfriend, Stacy, broke up with me? She arranged it so that when I came home from class, I was able to see her riding in pleasure beneath a big, brown butt.
Turk: How many times do I have to apologize for that?
J.D.: [holding bread rolls] I still have nightmares about your cheeks, Turk, just bouncing, and bouncing. I can't sleep.

J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kim. I know because of work I haven't seen you in a while, but do you mind if I grab a drink with Turk, tonight?
Turk: Tell her my dad died.
Kim: Go have fun with your friend. I'm gonna stay in and eat.
J.D.: Thanks, babe. Bye. [hangs up] See Turk? Now we can save that dad dying thing to go see the new panda baby at the zoo.
Turk: Oh, It's to late for that. She died.
J.D.: Not Ming-Ming?
Turk: Her mama sat on her and then ate her.
J.D.: Stupid nature.