J.D.: [v.o.] When someone tells you to get the hell out, you don't have a lot of options. You can ignore them.
Mr. Hutnik: Where are you taking me?
Dr. Cox: Joe, we are turfing you to dermatology to buy ourselves some time. Gandhi, how's that mole looking?
Turk: [using a Sharpie] Nice and cancerous.
Dr. Cox: Well done!

Elliot: No, Keith. I'm not leaving.
Keith: Oh, awesome.
Elliot: Why does it have to be like this? I care about you so much. I don't wanna lose you for my life.
Keith: Well, you're going to. Because, from now on, Pig Whore, you're dead to me.
[Keith and Elliot start kissing]
[later:]
Carla: You did what?
Elliot: I know. I am a pig whore.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, why the hell is Hutnik still here? Put him on the street.
Dr. Cox: You win. But would you do us a favor and you deliver the news to Hutnik yourself?
Dr. Kelso: I'll be glad to.
[Dr. Kelso goes to Mr. Hutnik's room:]
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Mr. Hutnik, is it?
Mr. Hutnik: Please, call me Joe.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: Think, fellas, think. We have to figure out what's wrong with Joe.

J.D.: And I really didn't have an answer for him.
Elliot: You know what I don't have an answer for? Why I'm going to line-dancing with Keith tonight. Stupid Pig Whore.

Elliot: Screw it. I'm just gonna marry Keith. Maybe he'll die young.
J.D.: When did we become such ridiculous, pathetic people?
Carla: Why do you two think you're that different from anyone else? J.D., I get in my own way all the time. Like this morning, I was running late, and I got toothpaste on my upper lip, and even though I knew Turk was watching, I didn't wipe it off with my hand, I went like this... [sexy lip lick]
Todd: Huh. Morning.
Carla: And Elliot, I'm sorry but you're not the first person tho ever sleep with her ex, okay?
Elliot: Is there a point in this?
Carla: Yes. And pay attention, because I don't wanna be saying the same thing in two weeks. You're both human, give yourselves a break, okay?

Turk: How d'you do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé. Beardfacé.
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'course then you'd be Dr. Face!
Dr. Kelso: Ha! Doctor Face.
Dr. Beardfacé: Damn you all!

Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.
Dr. Cox: That's it!
Turk: What's it?
Dr. Cox: Interns are idiots. Occam's razor.

J.D.: [v.o.] Or that your best friend was right. And you have to let you ex-fiancee hate you for a while.
Keith: Goodnight, you skanky, straw-haired Pig Whore.
Elliot: Did you hear all the new adjectives?
Carla: Come here. You are not straw-haired.

J.D.: [v.o.] It was the simple answer, just like Turk said. I had knocked up a girl on our first date, and I don't have strong feelings for her, and probably never will. And the only reason we're still together is because there's a kid involved, which means I'm gonna stay with her until the very end, whether I love her or not.