J.D.: [v.o.] I've done it. An entire day without sabotaging myself.
Lady: [to the Janitor] I'm sorry, but I don't even know who you are.
J.D.: Oh, oh. That seems like a strange thing for a girlfriend to say, isn't it? Hold on one second, I've to grab this.
Yello? Oh yes, he's here. It's the truth calling. Wants to know why you never tell it.
Lady: Ah! I mean, really, who are you? A necklace of my name on it? The man I met was sweet but I had no idea how sweet. [they kiss] Oh, you're going to get some.
Janitor: You just had to do the phone bit, didn't ya?
J.D.: Her name's Lady?
Janitor: Yeah.
J.D.: Whose named Lady?
Janitor: She is. She's got a brother named "Him", what do you care? Seriously, why do you force me to make your life miserable?

Carla: J.D., you're not that self-destructive.
Janitor: Really? I was gonna suggest he seek professional help. Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? 'cause I know a guy, he's good. I'm going to give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in. I'll see you in the morning.
J.D.: I'm in at 7.
Janitor: Wear a helmet.

Carla: I feel so bad for them.
J.D.: Mmm, me too.
J.D.: [v.o.] But actually I never really cared for Keith, or his farm boy looks, but now wasn't the time for that.
J.D.: [answers phone] Hey, Kim.
Kim: Get your butt home, already. We haven't seen each other in days. Don't you miss me?
J.D.: Of course I do.
J.D.: [v.o.] But the truth was I didn't. And then I had this weird, crystallizing moment. You see, there's an ancient principle you hear a lot about medicine: that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one. It's called Occam's Razor. It could mean your first instinct was right and it was Lyme disease.
Dr. Cox: Bull's-eye! And there's your tick bite. Let's put him on a hundred milligrams of Ceftin. Joe, you're gonna be fine.
Mr. Hutnik: Thank you, guys. Sincerely.

J.D.: [v.o.] So there we were - Elliott about to get married, me about to have a baby with Kim - careening toward to kiss. We're both terrified because either one of us could back out the last second, leaving the other kissing the air, and feeling like a fool. Ah, the point of no-return. The closing of the eyes. Time to dive...
J.D.: Elliott?
Elliot: J.D., what are we doing?
J.D.: [v.o.] How the hell'd she do that?

J.D.: We can't let fears screw our relationships. Who wants to end like Snoop Dogg intern?
Snoop Dogg Attending: Hey!
J.D.: Sorry, Snoop Dogg resident.
Snoop Dogg Attending: Hey!
J.D.: Snoop Dogg attending?
Snoop Dogg Attending: That's right, baby.
J.D.: All right. The point is he hasnt' told Josephine that she gives him wowsers in his trousers.
Snoop Dogg Attending: Hey, be cool, be cool man. I'm working on it.
J.D.: I'm with you dog, just keep it real.

J.D.: What do we do now?
Elliot: Nothing. Nothing happened, so we never have to speak of this again.
Keith: Hey!
J.D.: Keith?
Elliot: Keith?
J.D.: [v.o.] Keith? Wait, I was already surprised out loud?

Elliot: And then I had one of those weird, crystallizing moments when everything becomes so clear. I mean, I should've been relieved that Keith hadn't shown up earlier and walked in on J.D. and me. But I wasn't. I wished he had caught us. 'Cause the truth is I don't wanna marry him.
Turk: [gasps]
Carla: Shut up!
Elliot: Honestly, I think I let it get this far because of how much I wanna be married, you know. God, I wanna be married.

Dr. Cox: Come on Bob, there's an empty table right there.
Dr. Kelso: I'll leave for 10 dollars. [takes note] Pleasure doing business.
[J.D., Elliot, Turk and Carla sit down]
J.D.: Hey, friends.
Dr. Cox: [to the heavens] What, are you bored up there?

Carla: That's it. It's over.
All: Aww!
J.D.: Aww!
Carla: J.D.!
J.D.: No, Snoop Dog attending, finally told Josephine how he feels.
All: Aww!
Turk: Hey, everybody, look. A rainbow.
All: Ooh.

J.D.: [v.o.] It had been a while since my near kiss with Elliot and the dust was finally starting to settle.
J.D.: Daddy's home!
Kim: Come here, check out these big pregnant hippo feet.
J.D.: Wow! Those are truly disgusting.
Kim: Right? I missed you.