Jordan: What's with all the band-aids?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Jack was just getting nutty, having some fun. See, I even let him put one on me.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Jordan: Are those stitches?
Dr. Cox: What at the odds that you'd pick that one?

Dr. Cox: He just fell off of the jungle gym.
Jordan: You're not careful enough with him.
Dr. Cox: What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
Jordan: That was an accident.
Dr. Cox: Just a quick question. Why is it an accident when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time, it's because I'm not careful enough?
Jordan: Because I...
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear God. You're speechless. I won! I won an argument. Jack, it's unprecedented. We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh, god, we love beer!

Carla: Oh, it's so nice to get out. Oh, hey, do you know who sings the song?
J.D.: No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it. Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as Uptown Girl and Matter of Trust. And speaking of trust, do you know who's really trustworthy? Turk. I call him turkey-turkey-turkey-turkey-trust-trust. A little nickname.

Elliot: You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism, and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Dr. Kelso: Don't pull me. I'm your boss, for God's- Hello.
Elliot: Well, Mr. Gerst, your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself, So I think we're gonna need to schedule a procedure to relieve the, uh...
Dr. Kelso: Woodiness.
Mr. Gerst: My fiance is only 24, and she said she wanted to do something special this morning. Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family. [Elliot stifles laughter] Those pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her 90-year-old grandmother. [Elliot stifles laughter] And sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
Elliot: Excuse me, I need that chart.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in. Just let it out. You know you want to.
Elliot: I'm fine.
Mr. Gerst: I pulled away from that encounter with all of Grandma Helen's breathing apparatus.
Elliot: [bursts out laughing]
Dr. Kelso: My work here is done.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I can't stop! I'm sorry. I have to pee.

Carla: Good night.
J.D.: Good night.
Carla: Good night.
J.D.: Good night.
Carla: Buenas noches.
J.D.: Buenas nose things.

J.D.: It was just a friend kiss.
Carla: Were your lips parted at all?
J.D.: No, I pursed them like this.
Carla: I don't know, J.D., I remember my one lip being on top of your upper lip and my other lip being somewhere in the middle of yours, which means your lips were apart and I don't think that's a friend kiss.
J.D.: Yes, it is, it's a friend kiss, and we will never talk about this to anyone ever! All right.
Elliot: What's going on?
J.D.: Nothing.
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
J.D.: Carla!
Elliot: You kissed? Like a friend kiss?
J.D.: Yes.
Carla: No!
J.D.: Carla, you're killing me.

Dr. Cox: All right, fine, I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what? The two of us have two distinctly different parenting styles. You're an overbearing, hyper-cautious psychotic, and I'm, well, you know fun. And I think if we can meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's gonna be terrific. Besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
Jack: Flip!
Jordan: Flip? What does "flip" mean, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Jack probably thinks that Mommy and Daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Janitor: Maybe. Or it's because every time he says "flip," Daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sand box without a net.
Jordan: You are never taking Jack to the park without me. Ever!
Dr. Cox: Jordan. A trapeze?!
Janitor: Yeah. Photoshop. You can do anything. Here I have you wearing a duck's bill. Get it? Because you're a quack. No? Come on. Classic comedy my friend. He'll learn.

Elliot: I'm such a horrible person. I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr. Gerst, and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, give yourself some credit. You were much worse than everyone else.
Elliot: Maybe I was, but you know what? I'm gonna try and better myself. And, unlike you, I'm gonna follow through, Mr. Sign-up-on-the-hospital-bulletin-board-for-private-German-lessons-and-never-show-up. Yeah, that's right. It was my flier. Ich habe stundenlang in diesem Café gewartet. ["I waited at that coffee shop for hours."]
Dr. Kelso: I broke up with my German mistress. She smells like sauerkraut.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.

Turk: So how did it go last night?
J.D.: Whoa! What's with the fifth degree?
Turk: Dude, don't you mean third degree?
J.D.: No, because this is two degrees worse. I can't breathe. It's like you're all over me. I'm trapped in a death coffin.

J.D.: Thanks for saving my ass.
Carla: Well, I wasn't saving your ass. I didn't realize how easy it is to make little mistakes. They're stupid little mistakes that seem like nothing, but can snowball on you and take your whole marriage with it, you know? I feel like I really understand now how Turk could have let stuff like that happen, you know? So I forgave him.
J.D.: Oh, well, I guess I'm glad we kissed then.
Carla: Me, too.