J.D.: [v.o.] I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place in the hospital where I knew no one would ever venture.
J.D.: Ted? Ted?
Ted: [o.s.] A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was 4 hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore Girls.

Mr. Gerst: [on the phone] Dude, that did not happen. No, I'm in the hospital because I- They think I have avian flu. [Elliot clears her throat] I gotta call you back. [to Elliot] How long have you been there?
Elliot: Oh, 47, 48 minutes. I'm not sure, I nodded off for a while. Mr. Gerst I'm so sorry for laughing at you. But I have to tell you a story, when I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business, and then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out, wasn't latched. Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles. It's very difficult to stop. Unless, of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you. Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "Roller Moler."
Mr. Gerst: I'm sorry?
Elliot: I have a mole on my ass. Oh, the cute kind, not the hairy kind. Anyway, the next day I showed up at school with roller skates on, and everybody cracked up.
Mr. Gerst: Why are you telling this?
Elliot: Because I owned up to it. This is funny, Mr. Gerst, and if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke, then it will follow you around and devour you. Can I get a look at tha mole?
Elliot: No. Ahem. No.

J.D.: [v.o.] In my 4 years, there have been many emergencies at Sacred Heart, but none like this one, because today...
J.D.: [slow motion] Where is he?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox's son needed two stitches.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I got there as soon as I-
Dr. Cox: Shut it, Newbie. Your blacker half is trying to concentrate.
J.D.: How are you holding up?
[fantasy: Turk is pouring with sweat:]
Turk: I'm a little nervous.
J.D.: [also sweaty] Well now you make me all nervous.

Dr. Cox: And focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high-fiving, head-shaving, air-balling, mole-lipping, insulin-needing existence, which I guarantee you will come to an abrupt, very unnatural end.
Turk: Okay, I'm done.
J.D.: [v.o.] We all held our breath together.
Dr. Cox: The surgeon lives!

J.D.: The Todd forgot to breath again. Starting C.P.R.

Turk: Dude, we're never gonna make it in time. Take a shortcut through that hedge!
J.D.: You've got it, player! Hold on, buddu.
Turk: That was a thick bush.
J.D.: Oh, really, Turk, was it a thick bush? Because there's berries in my ass. Just go!

Carla: Turk, why are you wearing pajamas?
Turk: Uh, I really want you to come home, and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle, and that would hopefully lead to - but not necessarily require - relations of the intimate nature.
Carla: Turk, with everything that's happened, I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Turk: Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Carla: Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust. So, how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
Turk: My head hurts.

J.D.: I wish I knew how it was going. Sorry about your hogs, fellas. Enjoy the free espressos. Warlord, I told you to sip it.
Warlord: Uh, it...
J.D.: Use your words.
Warlord: Warlord burn mouth.
J.D.: Yeah, he did because he wasn't listening. Napkin on your lap, Satan's valet. Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea of what events would unfold if Jordan were to actually see that picture? It is a heart-wrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin who plays for the New England Patriots and me having a SuperBowl ring removed from my esophagus. No, Jordan's never going to see these stitches.
Janitor: Well, I hope you realize this means war.
Dr. Cox: Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.

Turk: Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
J.D.: Just tell her she can trust you.
Turk: I did, but apparently, if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust, how is she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
J.D.: My head hurts.
Turk: Yeah, mine did, too.