Ed: If you want, you can call me "Tootie." I don't think it's racist.
J.D.: Oh, oh, fine. I'm Tootie, and I know how to go on the web and BitTorrent.
Dr. Maddox: You probably shouldn't be texting while you're leading rounds.
J.D.: I'm- Oh, I'm- Th- This is his phone.
Ed: It's not my phone.
J.D.: [v.o.] W.T.H.?!
J.D.: Oh, fine. It's not your phone. Hey, want a phone, buddy?
Janitor: No.
Dr. Maddox: All right, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks. Can you do that or do you have more questions about my vagina?
J.D.: [v.o.] Lie!
J.D.: No.

Katie: Dr. Maddox, I just wanted to say to be working with you.
Carla: Katie is such a kiss ass.
Keith: You mean "Mini Elliot"? What? That's what everybody's calling her.
Elliot: It's probably just because we are Both blonde and have perky boobs.
Dr. Cox: Or It's because she is incredibly whiny and self-involved, and you, Barboo, for the last year and a half or so, have been the most self-involved and whiny person in the Galaxy.
Elliot: What nobody understands about me-
Dr. Cox: Point proven. Thank you.

J.D.: Okay, listen up, guys. I gotta go take care of Mr. Hicks, so I need you guys to watch the floor. Check every patient and switch out any lines that need changing. Monitor Mr. Lombardi's blood gas, and intubate him if he starts getting acidotic. Work as a team, you'll be all over it. Let's have some hands in, okay? Somebody has some very soft hands.
Ed: I sleep in gloves.
J.D.: Right on. Okay, nobody die!
All: Nobody die!

Ted: Dr. Kelso, now that you're retired, I can finally say this. You, sir- Oh, I can't do it.
Dr. Kelso: You'll get there, Ted. What's with the balloon?
Ted: It's been a sad day.

J.D.: Mr. Hicks' renal tests came back negative.
Dr. Maddox: Thank god. See, Bernie isn't just a patient. He's also my lover.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Maddox: No! He's fat, bald and ugly! Thanks a lot!
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, just swallow your pain and fix this.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Maddox, I think you're a very well-built, sturdy woman.
Dr. Maddox: Like a shed.
J.D.: No, not like a shed. Like a naughty...
Dr. Maddox: Like it.
J.D.: Structure.
Dr. Maddox: Structure?
J.D.: I should go.

Dr. Cox: Oh, say, Beth, your patient Mr. Lombardi is about to crash.
J.D.: How'd that happen?
Dr. Cox: Well, sometimes when people get owies and they're left untreated, they become even bigger owies.
J.D.: Hey! You guys are supposed to tube him if he got acidotic. What the hell?!
Ed: He's not my patient, man.
Katie: Uh, I-I was over there.
Dr. Cox: Now he's coding.
J.D.: Crash cart!

Dr. Maddox: You're fired.
Janitor: What about my son?
Dr. Maddox: That's my daughter!
Janitor: [grimaces as he looks at the picture] I'm- I'm- I'm sorry. May I see it again? Please? Aah! [does a crucifix sign]

J.D.: Hey, T-bear, every time I see Maddox, I get one step closer to ending my career.
Turk: Aw, you'll be fine. Maddox seems cool.
Dr. Cox: I don't know about that. I- I just can't shake the feeling that that woman is a complete tool.
J.D.: You've been saying that all day. Why don't you just go talk to her and figure it out once and for all?
Dr. Cox: Nah.

Turk: Hey, aren't you supposed to be at rounds?
J.D.: Oh, they're driving me crazy. Someone needs to send those interns to an internment camp.
Turk: Dude, internment camps are never funny.
J.D.: [v.o.] I always forget that Turk is one-eighth Japanese.

Dr. Cox: Hey, can you give Mr. Hicks a full cardiac workup?
Elliot: Of course.
Dr. Maddox: And what would you say if I said he was my lover?
Elliot: I'd know that obviously you were joking because you are way out of his league.
[Dr. Maddox hugs Elliot]
Elliot: Oh, there- There that is. We're doing this. Okay.
Dr. Maddox: I like you the best.
Elliot: Oh. Thanks, mom... Ma'am. Ma'am.