Janitor: You know, the incident yesterday with Dr. Dorian, I swear to you that will never happen again. Even though he deserved it.
Dr. Maddox: I don't know.
Janitor: Come on! I've been here forever. You can't just throw me out of the hospital.
Dr. Maddox: No, but I can walk you out without you even noticing.
Janitor: Well played.
Dr. Maddox: I need your keys. Where are the rest?
Janitor: I got tired of carrying 'em all, so I made one that works on everything. Watch. [unlocks J.D.'s scooter, Sasha] Huh? How about that? Come on. Hit the highway!

Dr. Cox: Why would you pass off your interns?
J.D.: I just- I can't deal with them anymore.
Dr. Cox: Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide/homicide watch.
J.D.: Do I know this intern?
Dr. Cox: Intimately.
J.D.: I figured.
Dr. Cox: This is a teaching hospital. You have to teach.
J.D.: I know. I'm just- I'm- I'm so tired of their attitude and I'm tired of their ignorance. It's the same thing year after year. I'm just... tired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Dr. Cox: Well, I get that. Why do you think I've been avoiding the new chief? Because if I do talk to her, and she is indeed a jerk, then once again, I'm gonna have to be that guy who gets in her face over every little injustice. But you wanna know something? I'm tired, too.

J.D.: Huh. That's new.
Janitor: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch. Do you give a crap, or are you just hoping that by pointing out something new of mine, I'll segue the conversation into talking about something new of yours, like... Your new prepubescent Miami Vice beard.
J.D.: There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.
Janitor: Who?
J.D.: Me.

J.D.: [v.o.] And there was Ed.
J.D.: Ed, did you finish those case reports last night?
Ed: I totally was gonna do it, man, but I was on this Lost fan site last night talking to this chick. About an hour in, I realize it's a dude messin' with me.
J.D.: I've been there.
Ed: Revenge time. I signed up for a new account, Hotgirl99. I start flirtin' with this dude. I'm like, "Oh, hey, I look just like Kate." And he's totally into it, right? Next thing you know, I got him to agree to a personal meet-up here in the hospital where he'll be holding a red balloon.
J.D.: Wait a minute, you're hotgirl99?
Ed: Yeah.

Elliot: The new interns all suck.
J.D.: Yeah, but I'm gonna handle it.
Carla: Like you handled Jimmy, the overly touchy orderly?
Jimmy: Somebody looking for me?
J.D.: No, Jimmy, we're fine.
Jimmy: All right. Let me know if you need anything.
J.D.: Okay. Have you noticed he only touches above the waist now? You're welcome.

J.D.: [v.o.] That was harsh, but no one cared because today we were meeting Dr. Kelso's replacement as chief of medicine, Dr. Taylor Maddox. She was smokin' hot, so first I had to see her like this...
[a ridiculously long shot of Dr. Taylor Maddox with golden lighting, windswept hair as music plays]
Dr. Maddox: Hi. Hi.
J.D.: [v.o.] But then I noticed how friendly she seemed. She had the most infectious smile. No one could resist it. And I mean no one.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: No.
Dr. Maddox: Yes!
Dr. Cox: Never!
Dr. Maddox: He it comes! [Dr. Cox grabs the defib paddles] Clear. [shocks himself]
J.D.: Brava!
Dr. Maddox: Yes!
[reality:]
J.D.: You proud fool.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, time to connect with the new chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
Dr. Maddox: Oh! Is that your boy?
J.D.: What's that? Oh, yeah. His name is Sam.
Dr. Maddox: I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's working! Now seal the deal with a follow-up question, but nothing too personal.
J.D.: Did you deliver vaginally?
Dr. Maddox: I did.
J.D.: Big girl. Must've hurt.
Dr. Maddox: Wow.

Dr. Maddox: Hi, Mr. Hicks. So you were admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath?
Mr. Hicks: Yes, that's right.
Dr. Maddox: Okay, so I'm just gonna... [stomps] Die! Die! Die! Sorry. Spider. Um, I'm just gonna take you up and get you a full-body scan, okay?
Dr. Cox: And there she goes.
Carla: A chief of medicine working one-on-one with a patient? Maybe she's not so bad.
Dr. Cox: I think she's probably a jerk.
Carla: Why?
Dr. Cox: That position attracts jerks. Plus, well, I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk.
J.D.: New freckle.
Dr. Cox: I'm interrupted by jerks. Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox, and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.
Carla: Well, go!
Dr. Cox: Pass.

J.D.: Okay, let's gather 'round for rounds. Get it? "'round for rounds"? You can use it. Our first patient is presenting with biliary colic... And, uh-- Ed, would-- Would you mind-- Would you mind turning off the beeping if you're gonna text?
Ed: I'll turn it off.
J.D.: Thank you.

J.D.: Ed, stop texting!
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, well, do that more later. When we're together. Jo, you were saying?
Denise: I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher probably has cholecy-
Katie: Cholecystis. She has cholecystis.
Denise: I'm gonna cut your throat.