Jordan: Alright, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember, keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot, and, Perry, you're the only one in my life I actually have to say this to. Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about? [baby cries] Whaa! Have you named this thing yet?
Jordan: I'm thinking of naming him after my father.
Dr. Cox: Tax Evader?
Jordan: Quinn.
Dr. Cox: How about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan: You're right, Percival. Quinn is a foofy name.

Elliot: What's her problem? I'm starting to wonder if my prescription deodorant isn't working.
Turk: Hmm?
Elliot: It's not for the odor, it's for the wetness. See? [wipes hand under armpit]
Turk: Oh, woman, don't touch me.
Elliot: You're right. I have got to stop touching my pits and rubbing them on people.
Turk: Yes, yo do.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm gonna try not to call Jamie because I know in my heart she shouldn't be in a relationship yet. Still there were a lot of questions. Was she going to be OK? Did I leave my underwear at the funeral? Good Lord, how did I end up in the middle of nowhere without realizing I've never had to pee this badly in my life?
J.D.: Ah... [seeing the Janitor showering] Oh, my God.
Janitor: [hums]
J.D.: Oh, my God.

Dr. Cox: So you saw the janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Well, then it's your obligation as a doctor, and your privilege as a woman, to go back and ask him if you can't see it one more time. Now, of course I'd love to help you, but I'm off to baby-sit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Mr. Mueller doesn't speak a word of English.
J.D.: Hi, Mr. Mueller.
Mr. Mueller: [German: "Why is it so cold in here? I should have a space heater, or a big chesty nurse to get under the covers with me."]
[Nurse Roberts enters]
Mr. Mueller: Danke.
Nurse Roberts: What's he danke-ing you for?
J.D.: I don't know. This is so frustrating. I just wish there was some way we could connect.
[fantasy: J.D. and Mr. Mueller dance to "99 Luft Ballons" in a hospital room filled with red balloons]
J.D.: Nah, that would never work.

J.D.: [v.o.] This is perfect. In here I can just accidentally see his wiener and then give him medical advice. Just be subtle.
J.D.: [hums, swings head back and forth]
Janitor: Can I take your order?
J.D.: How come you're not unzipped?
Janitor: 'cause I'm not peeing. This is where I come for my breaks. If I stand out there, everyone tells me to do stuff.

Elliot: Hey, I just met your patient, Mr. Mueller. We had such a nice chat.
J.D.: You speak German?
Elliot: Yeah, I can do a sweet little milkmaid. [sweetly speaks German] I can do an evil old hausfrau. [yells in German]
J.D.: German's such a beautiful language.

J.D.: Now Mr. Mueller is doing so much better, I'm not sure if telling him the truth is even the best thing for him.
Dr. Cox: So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem? But, here's the problem, Newbie, it's not my problem. So what do you say we stop talking about the janitor's junk? I'd like to hear nussing about ze German and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though I know she's on your mind.
J.D.: No, she's not.
[fantasy:] Jamie: Yes, I am.
Dr. Cox: Well, since we are sharing, I have to go and face Jordan and tell her that I didn't ditch her little hatchling on account of being lazy. I did it because whenever I'm alone with that child, you know what I feel? Nothing. What do you say, you wanna trade your big problems for mine?
J.D.: No, thanks.
Dr. Cox: It was worth a try.

Turk: Baby?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: Have you dreamt of anyone since we got engaged?
Carla: No, baby, but I understand. Come here. Let me give you something to dream about.
Ted: See if you can find my tattoo.
[Carla wakes up]

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan.
Jordan: You know, it's funny. I can't even be pissed and want you to die screaming in agony as two horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I gotta tell you something.
Jordan: You know, I love my dad, but he just doesn't look like a Quinn.
Dr. Cox: Maybe that's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother.
Jordan: What are you? A Kevin? A Billy?
Dr. Cox: Jack? [baby smiles]
Jordan: All right. Jack it is. What the hell. All right. You take him.
[Dr. Cox holds Jack and looks at the baby's face with an amazed expression on his]
Jordan: So, what did you wanna tell me?
Dr. Cox: Nothing. Nothing.