Carla: No, you didn't.
Elliot: I did. And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd: I've got next. What's up? No one? Self-five. For the big dog.

Carla: Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you throw a needle in his face.

Jordan: OK, I didn't tell you the kid was yours and you're upset. I get it. But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this. Is there something else that's bothering you?
Dr. Cox: It's mostly just the kid thing.
Jordan: I told you I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I am so, so sorry, but no matter what you say, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: Stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking.

J.D.: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a janitor make more than you?
Spence: Johnny. Investment banker. So, no. [Turk throws that bag of chips at Spence's face] Why, Christopher?
Turk: Hey, so I've saved up, like, 500 bucks. Where would you put that if you were me?
Spence: I don't know. A wallet, a money clip. Hey, you could get Schmitty and Dan a wedding gift. Dan wants a ferret.
J.D.: Oh, ferrets are nice.
Turk: They're mean.

Spence: See, now, this is the proper way to lay low. I mean, honestly, does it get any better?
Turk: No, it does not.
[fantasy: J.D. pulls off Turk's ear and eats it as "The Candy Man" plays]
Turk: Why do you keep looking at me like that?

Dr. Kelso: Those sutures look awful, don't you think, Ted? I don't know, sir.
Ted: Yes? No? I'm barely here.

Dr. Cox: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Jordan: And while we're coming completely clean, Perry, I'm not actually the girl they're singing about in My Sharona. Her name's Sharona.
Dr. Cox: You're making jokes?
Jordan: I just want this to be OK.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, don't get me wrong. I wanna be with the kid. I'm damn sure gonna be with the kid. But as far as you and I go I just don't see us working out.

Spence: Nothing like cold beers in a Jacuzzi. Am I right, Ed?
Ed: Ah, some days I just sit out here for hours, downing cold one after cold one.
J.D.: What do you do when you have to pee?

Spence: [pager beeps] You guys have to go to work?
J.D.: No, it's just a stupid intern.
Turk: Besides, the only way we'd have to go in is if there was some catastrophe.
[meanwhile, Doug is watching the TV in the break room:]
Newscaster: [v.o.] In breaking news, there's been a multiple car pile-up on the throughway.
[back:]
J.D.: Plus, the two guys on call would have to be simultaneously incapacitated.
[at the hospital:]
Doug: This is my chance to shine.
Todd: What's up, chica? [Doug runs into The Todd] Whoa! Oh, God!

J.D.: [v.o.] Part of being a doctor is learning to deal with the unexpected. Whether it's someone who won't take no for an answer.
Jordan: Yeah, I've decided not to accept the being-dumped thing. I'm just gonna hang around until you forgive me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or being shaken to your very core. Of course, sometimes it's just having to work in wet grundies.