‘My Cold Shower’
Season 6, Episode 19 - Aired May 3, 2007
When Keith's ring doesn't fit Elliot, she gets the chance to plan for a "spontaneous" proposal. J.D. keeps trying to get things going with Melody, though she won't let him progress past the "macking" stage. Meanwhile, Carla and Elliot can't figure out what's wrong with two elderly patients with the same symptoms.
Quote from Todd
Todd: I'll tell you what's doable: Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong!
Janitor: Very clever. God is watching. How many times have you got laid this year?
Todd: Bagel.
Janitor: Who'd have thought "God is watching" would work. Hmm.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: Keith and I are definitively having some post engagement nookie tomorrow night after the proposal. Did you get me those purple lacy undies?
Melody: Yes, Keith is gonna look so hot.
Elliot: Hell yeah.
Quote from Turk
Melody: Well, it's official. I'm the only single sorority sister left. I guess it's true what they say. The first one to be in a threesome, the last one to get married.
Turk: Damn.
[Turk hits the table behind him, knocking a cup of coffee over on Doug]
Turk: I'm sorry, she just said that she was in a threesome.
[Doug does the same to the table behind him, and so on]
Doug: Damn!
Man #1: Damn!
Man #2: Damn!
Snoop Dogg Resident: Damn!
Quote from J.D.
Melody: I just don't wanna end up like my aunt Sheila and get married and have a kid when I'm 50. I mean, you find a tooth in that house, you don't know whose mouth it fell out of.
J.D.: Ooh.
Melody: Sometimes, I wonder, you know, if I'm ever actually gonna find someone. You know?
J.D.: Yeah. Okay, now was it two girls and a guy, or a devil's threesome?
Melody: All girl.
[J.D. lifts the coffee cups off the table]
Turk: Damn!
Quote from J.D.
Melody: Hey, I'm reviewing this new hotel downtown tonight for work, do you wanna join? It's all comped.
J.D.: I think I'll pass.
Melody: Oh, well, could have been fun.
[A group of men surround J.D.'s table to complain]
Turk: Okay, guys! Guys! Guys! I'm sure he has an explanation. Go sit down.
J.D.: I'm not gonna get anywhere with her. She's got this weird policy. She'll mack with anyone, but the second you try and take it further, she always throws the brakes on. It always ends the same way.
[flashback to J.D. taking a shower:]
J.D.: Great Aunt Judy's arm fat. Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.
[present:]
J.D.: I'm tired of the cold showers.
Quote from J.D.
Turk: That was yesterday, when she was just a confident young hotel reviewer. Today she's a sad, vulnerable, last single-woman standing. Now you gonna create a wonderful memory, then secretly call me from the bathroom right after or not?
J.D.: Turk, you know I'd like to be the one making the secret bathroom call for once. But I'm not that desperate.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: You ordered some "Dorian"?
Melody: Huh?
J.D.: Oh, that's my last name.
Melody: Oh, it's a good one!
J.D.: I thought about it all the way up.
Quote from Jordan
Jordan: Hey, so I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze for your party for half price. Little hitch, you're gonna have to show some boob. Apparently mine did not get us all the way there. He has a soft touch, though.
Dr. Cox: Lovely.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, you made it to the room. Time for the "John Dorian three step seduction plan". Step 1, make her realize you share things in common.
Melody: Ooh, they have tampons in the toiletry basket. I love that.
J.D.: Me too.
J.D.: [v.o.] Step one, check. Step two, connect with her on a personal level.
J.D.: So, Melody, where's home for you?
Melody: Originally Akron, Ohio. But home is where your hat is. That's something my dad used to always say. Of course, he would also say that America is a planet. Ah, he was in a boating accident and suffered some brain damage.
J.D.: Brain damage is, um, is rarely good.
Melody: Tore our family apart.
J.D.: [v.o.] Step two, check. Now just remind her she's all alone.
J.D.: Elliot getting married. Crazy, right? I can't believe no one's ever got down on one knee for you.
Melody: I know! Cute as a button? Huh!?
J.D.: Yeah, you are.
Quote from J.D.
Melody: Hey, I have to check out the linens. Would you care to test them out with me?
J.D.: [v.o.] And there it is. I could only imagine what wonderful place was waiting beneath those covers.
[fantasy: J.D. jumps into a snowy world, where Melody is a mermaid:]
Melody: Greetings, strange traveler. Whilst thou make with me tonight?
J.D.: Alright! Not really sure how it'd go about doing that. I mean, where would I put my...
[Turk, playing the pan flute, appears as a half-man, half-goat]
Turk: Come on, dawg! This is a desperate mermaid! You got to hit that!
J.D.: Show me where to go Turk and I'd be happy to, where is the front door?
Melody: Yeah! That's a gill.
Turk: Yeah, it is.
Melody: Bring those horns down here!
Turk: Oh, they're coming baby. You can handle them?
Melody: Oh, I can handle them!
Turk: Oh yeah, you can.
J.D.: Hey, go Turk! That's my mermaid!
Turk: My baaaaad!
[reality:]
J.D.: Incoming! [bounces off the bed] I would characterize this mattress as springy.