Dr. Kelso: Oh, poor Turkleberry, he thinks he's got it hard. The damn internet is down! Where am I supposed to go for a sexual gratification? My invalid wife?

Carla: Great. Everything came back negative on Mrs. Sheldon and Mr. Bilbray.
Elliot: There must be something that we're missing.
Dr. Cox: But, with you two that would be impossible. Might I take a look at the chart?
Elliot: Well, it's not PMR, pan-hypo pit, and we've already ruled malignancy.
Dr. Cox: Oh. [chuckles]
Dr. Kelso: Oh, yeah, that's a toughie.
Carla: Really, you two think it's that easy?
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Intern! Test both their patients for this and don't you dare tell the Hardy girls what it is. Not yet.

Melody: Room service is great.
J.D.: Yeah. Uh, can I have the tiny ketchup bottle? I'm planning this elaborate prank on Turk, where he wakes up and thinks he's 20 feet tall.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk was right. He's such a good friend. I should get him a gift. I'll fish for what he wants later on our secret bathroom call. Wait, why am I thinking about Turk? Okay, start moving your hand. Next stop Boob Town, population two!
Melody: Whoa, you can't go to Boob Town! That, my friend, is a gated community.

Dr. Cox: [whistles] The test results are back, and our friends Mr. Bilbray and Mrs. Sheldon both will be having a round of penicillin for their what? That's right! Their STDs. Yes, have a looksie if you please. It turns out that our hard-candy toting, super-cheery grandparents both have...
Carla & Elliot: Syphilis!
Dr. Cox: Bang!
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, maybe some people were getting some. But we weren't.
[J.D., Turk, the Todd and Dr. Kelso are doused by the sprinklers]
Janitor: Sorry, guys! Thought I fixed that.

J.D.: Well, I'm giving up on Melody.
Turk: Dude, no! Man, me, I'm married. So I may never, ever, ever have sex again. You, there's still a chance for you. Damn it, if you're gonna do it for yourself, at least do it for me!
Todd: And me!
Doug: For all of us? What, you guys are surprised I don't get any?

Elliot: I couldn't do it. So, you are gonna need to tell them to slip on a love glove if they're going to get all freaky and doink. Oh, but don't use those words, they won't know what you are talking about.

J.D.: [v.o.] It took everything I had in my arsenal to get Melody to mack with me again.
[flashback:]
J.D.: Hey, do you wanna mack with me again?
Melody: Sure.

Melody: You know the rules and you continue to break them. I think I'm gonna give you a lifetime macking ban.
J.D.: No!
Melody: Yes.
J.D.: Give me another chance.
Melody: Can you control yourself?
J.D.: Of course I can.
Janitor: God is watching.
J.D.: I can't.
Janitor: Who is this "God" everyone fears?

Turk: Hey, J.D., I was wondering if I could borrow your scooter, so I could run a few errands?
J.D.: He looks nothing like me! He doesn't even have any laughter in his eyes, like, at all!