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My Best Laid Plans

‘My Best Laid Plans’

Season 4, Episode 19 -  Aired March 1, 2005

As J.D. and Kylie (Chrystee Pharris) get close to taking their relationship to the next level, Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham) returns to the hospital. Meanwhile, Carla is upset when she learns Turk has been talking with one of his old girlfriends, and the Janitor bets Dr. Cox that he could get Elliot to go out on a date with him.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Why are you talking to your college girlfriend?
Turk: We're just friends.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, just friends. I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl. Long story short, I'm on the hook for sending Trong Tri Kelso to college, and he doesn't want to go to a state school.


Quote from Ted

Todd: So once you got the hole in the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.
Ted: You want to get Elliot, you get in good with her best friend.
Janitor: Who's Elliot?
Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.
Janitor: And how'd you do that?
Ted: Oh, I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.
Todd: Tough break five.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: So, this trip to India sounds so exotic.
J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling to see how your day is going.
Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] And sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.
J.D.: Naked sweat drips.
Kylie: What?
J.D.: Oh, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They have a great song called Perfect Breasts.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] If having my cake and eating it, too, meant being with Molly, then nothing was gonna get between us.
Elliot: Hey, guys, you going out?
J.D.: Yeah, you should come with us! [hits elevator button]
Dr. Molly Clock: That's the close button.
J.D.: No, it's a close button. When someone gets close, it activates a sensor that opens the door.
Dr. Molly Clock: Fancy.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, she's got a pinkie hold. Elliot's got the finger strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.
Elliot: You were pressing the wrong button. [pokes J.D. with her finger; he falls over]

Quote from Ted

Janitor: Sorry, guys, can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Oh, man! I ironed my going-out hair! [throws wig]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for 3 months. We broke up at her sorority formal. Oh, nobody could snuggle like Daisy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [to Todd, Ted and Doug] You guys are out. [to Randall and Troy] You guys are back in. Where's Margo?
Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.
Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangster rap. Bad day.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You see, Turk, this is our problem. We're trying to have a serious conversation here, but you're more concerned about how your other wife is doing.
Turk: Okay, you know what bothers me? Every little thing with you becomes a big issue. You make mountains out of molehills. When have I ever made a mountain out of a molehill?
Carla: Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste, how are we gonna raise our children! You know what, I'm gonna stay with my sister.
Carla: I guess I could work on it a little.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: All right, give me all the details on Kylie.
J.D.: Dude, it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like, "I think it's a little hot in here". She starts pulling down her skirt.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my god. I'm getting turned on by my own fake story.
Turk: Damn you, ruptured spleen. To be continued.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

J.D.: [v.o.] Thank god Turk left, because I can't think about sex anymore. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Dr. Molly Clock posing seductively in her underwear:]
Dr. Molly Clock: Howdy, stranger. Do you still want me?
J.D.: Yes, please. [hugs air]
Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, stranger. [J.D. screams and falls backwards.] Ouch.

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