J.D.: Why are you talking to your college girlfriend?
Turk: We're just friends.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, just friends. I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl. Long story short, I'm on the hook for sending Trong Tri Kelso to college, and he doesn't want to go to a state school.

Todd: So once you got the hole in the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.
Ted: You want to get Elliot, you get in good with her best friend.
Janitor: Who's Elliot?
Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.
Janitor: And how'd you do that?
Ted: Oh, I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.
Todd: Tough break five.

Elliot: So, this trip to India sounds so exotic.
J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling to see how your day is going.
Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] And sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.
J.D.: Naked sweat drips.
Kylie: What?
J.D.: Oh, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They have a great song called Perfect Breasts.

J.D.: [v.o.] If having my cake and eating it, too, meant being with Molly, then nothing was gonna get between us.
Elliot: Hey, guys, you going out?
J.D.: Yeah, you should come with us! [hits elevator button]
Dr. Molly Clock: That's the close button.
J.D.: No, it's a close button. When someone gets close, it activates a sensor that opens the door.
Dr. Molly Clock: Fancy.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, she's got a pinkie hold. Elliot's got the finger strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.
Elliot: You were pressing the wrong button. [pokes J.D. with her finger; he falls over]

Janitor: Sorry, guys, can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Oh, man! I ironed my going-out hair! [throws wig]

Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for 3 months. We broke up at her sorority formal. Oh, nobody could snuggle like Daisy.

Janitor: [to Todd, Ted and Doug] You guys are out. [to Randall and Troy] You guys are back in. Where's Margo?
Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.
Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangster rap. Bad day.

Carla: You see, Turk, this is our problem. We're trying to have a serious conversation here, but you're more concerned about how your other wife is doing.
Turk: Okay, you know what bothers me? Every little thing with you becomes a big issue. You make mountains out of molehills. When have I ever made a mountain out of a molehill?
[flashback:]
Carla: Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste, how are we gonna raise our children! You know what, I'm gonna stay with my sister.
[present:]
Carla: I guess I could work on it a little.

Turk: All right, give me all the details on Kylie.
J.D.: Dude, it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like, "I think it's a little hot in here". She starts pulling down her skirt.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my god. I'm getting turned on by my own fake story.
Turk: Damn you, ruptured spleen. To be continued.

J.D.: [v.o.] Thank god Turk left, because I can't think about sex anymore. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Dr. Molly Clock posing seductively in her underwear:]
Dr. Molly Clock: Howdy, stranger. Do you still want me?
[reality:]
J.D.: Yes, please. [hugs air]
Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, stranger. [J.D. screams and falls backwards.] Ouch.