Turk: J.D., this is an intervention. First off, I just want to say, everyone here loves you. This is a safe space. But you're such a commit-a-phobe! Every time you date a girl with actual potential, you wind up ruining it over some trivial reason. Just think about the great girls you let slip through your fingers. Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Minnie McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-kids, Rumplefugly... I'm forgetting someone.
Carla: [v.o.] Oh, my God, Turk. If you forget Elliot she's gonna cry.
Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all?
Turk: Heidi Horse-Face.
Elliot: Me, Turk! She's talking about me, OK?
J.D.: Relax, Elliot. You're Mole Butt.
Elliot: Really? Sorry, Turk.

Janitor: Don't mean to bother anybody. I'm just showing Nurse Martinez around the hospital. That's our chief of medicine, that's a patient and that is you in 20 years. OK. Let's go look at dead people.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, listen to me. You never stop being annoyed by the little things. Ever. Take Gandhi here. Your wife is the bossiest woman I've ever met. Are you trying to tell me that you're not bothered by that?
Turk: Sometimes I watch Roots to remind myself how good I have it.
J.D.: Me too.
Dr. Cox: Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month.
Jordan: I'm saving my breast exam for when you go away next month.
Dr. Cox: Upsetting, but we persevere. Bottom line: There is no such thing as a perfect person. You. Tell her.

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I know you didn't take that fertility test. People think I am some clueless old geezer, but nothing that happens in these hallways gets by me.
Dr. Mickhead: It wasn't me. I didn't do it!
Carla: It's just, if I take that fertility test and I find out that I missed my window to have a kid I'll never forgive myself.
Dr. Kelso: If you're worried about your biological legacy, as the father of a son who not only wrote a musical based on my life but is currently shacked up with the actor playing me, honestly sweetheart, it's not all it's cracked up to be. But I know you. You'll find out eventually, so why don't you just turn around and tell him?

J.D.: And here I am again. I can't believe I broke up with her. Why do I keep doing this?
Elliot: J.D., this was totally different. You didn't break up with her because she said, "That's so funny" or she was like Minnie McSkinny and sang Christmas carols in the summer time.
J.D.: It was August. The weather was far from frightful.

J.D.: [v.o.] The Morgans, on the other side, were friendlier, but I don't think we're gonna have them over again.
[flashback:]
Mr. Morgan: Hi. Y'all are a cute couple.
J.D.: Thanks.
Mr. Morgan: You want to buy a baby?
J.D.: Oh, sweetie?
Julie: No.
J.D.: I'm sorry. No, thank you.
Mr. Morgan: I'll throw in a crib.
J.D.: Throwing in a crib.

J.D.: [v.o.] It didn't matter, because I was happy to look out at my beautiful half acre with my sweet but klutzy gal.
[Julie falls backwards in her chair, plunging her off the deck]
J.D.: You OK, buttercup?
Julie: The glass broke in my mouth.

Carla: This sucks. I've been trying to get pregnant for two months.
J.D.: I almost bought a baby yesterday.
Carla: What?
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't tell them, in case you want it later.
J.D.: Nothing .

Man: Yo, Glassman.
J.D.: What's "Glassman"?
Turk: It's a basketball thing. I'm a great rebounder.
J.D.: You know who else is a great rebounder? Dr. Mickhead. His wife was killed last Saturday.
Dr. Mickhead: Hey, guys.
Both: Hey, Mickhead!
Turk: Have the police cleared him yet?
J.D.: He's still a person of interest.

J.D.: [v.o.] Yep. There was eye candy for all, and only one thing could upset this delicate balance.
Janitor: Wow. She looks like a young Carla.
[fantasy: Carla turns around, her eyes glowing with fire. She rises up and screams like a banshee, smashing Kelso's glasses and the windows. Turk shatters.:]
J.D.: That's why they call him the Glassman.