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51Quotes from ‘The Drip’

Schitt's Creek: The Drip

102. The Drip

Aired January 13, 2015

Johnny wants to get a move on selling the town after he realizes just how shabby the hotel is. Meanwhile, David and Alexis attend a tailgate party.

Quote from David

David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen.
Johnny: Kempfluugen?
David: She's a Brooklyn based performance artist. She's a big deal. Anyway, um, she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breast feed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I teach high school.
Moira: Oh, you're a saint.
Jocelyn: I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although, I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.
Roland: Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm?
Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute.

Quote from David

Johnny: The issue is the brown sludge in my bed. We're selling the place!
David: It's 6:00 am!
Johnny: What's the name of that mouthy kid at the front desk?
David: I don't know. I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now.
Johnny: The mouth. The mouth. The girl.
David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening right now.
Alexis: Oh, my God, that's who I was thinking of.
Johnny: You know what?! I'll do it myself.
David: My best to Bob Cratchit.

Quote from David

Stevie: Um, look, I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing, but, you know, close.
David: I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally.
Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts.
David: Okay. I'm gonna pass. I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight, so...

Quote from Ray

Ray: So what can I help you with, housing, investment opportunities?
Moira: Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town.
Johnny: We're willing to settle for what we paid for it. More if you can get it, but definitely not less.
Ray: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not super optimistic. You know, because the government saw no value in Schitt's Creek. You know, when they repossessed your assets. You know, because of the humiliating-
Johnny: Yes, we know. We know. We know.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: So, why are you single?
Stevie: Who said I'm single?
Alexis: Girl, we are on the hunt. I hope you're single.
Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I brought vodka as a house gift. I don't see it.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. Um, this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so bye.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town. You sure gonna need it.
Johnny: Why's that?
Roland: Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, uh, it was on the market for, like, what, 20 years before you bought it.
Johnny: 20 years?
Roland: Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! [laughs] Then along came you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Stavros just posted three more photos. Who are these jenky women?
David: Uh, from the looks of it they're blonde and mostly naked so...
Alexis: Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns?
Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed so...
Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute.
David: No, it wouldn't.
Alexis: You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you.

Quote from Moira

Moira: How did you not get the contract signed, John? Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?!

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Or you could go alone, John. Since you are the one who did not get the contract signed.
Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business.
Moira: Don't you dare.
Johnny: It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. And sometimes you follow.
Moira: And which are you doing now, John?
Johnny: I am leading, Moira.
Moira: In a Roland game, I think you're following.
Johnny: Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think-
Moira: Are you listening to this?
David: Hmm?
Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: [quietly] John.
Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivian Blake bitch face!
Moira: Excuse me?
Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on Sunrise Bay.
Moira: Thanks.
Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for Sunrise Bay. I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: David, sit down. Sit down. Sit back down.
David: Jocelyn, thank you so much for dinner.
Roland: Why don't you lay down on our mattress? The sheets are in the dryer but there is rubber pad.

Quote from David

David: I'm gonna need a stiff drink to get through this. Stiff.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So, Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school, or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: He wants you to slap him.
Moira: I won't.
Jocelyn: Slap him, Moira.
Johnny: Go ahead and slap him.
Jocelyn: Slap my husband, Moira.
Moira: John, I won't!
Johnny: Slap him or I'll slap him.
Roland: Slap me!
Moira: I won't.
Roland: Slap me like a bitch!
Moira: [slaps three times] Sign the fucking contract!

Quote from David

Stevie: Your choices are beer or beer.
David: I assume a pint glass is out of the question?

Quote from Roland

Roland: There you go, Johnny, congratulations.
Johnny: Thank you very much. Thank you.
Roland: Just remember one thing, okay? This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende? [laughs] I'm just messing with you, man! Come on!
Johnny: [nervous laughs] Wow.
Roland: Or am I? [laughs] No. I am.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [o.s.] John! Did you know this town was on the market for 20 years before we bought it?
Johnny: How would I know that? W- Why would I know that? I didn't know that. But look, let's look at the bright side.
Moira: There is no bright side. This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all.
Johnny: Well, you know what? I think that's being a little dramatic.
Moira: Yes! It's dramatic!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira! Moira!
Moira: Hm.
Johnny: Moira!
Moira: Oh no! I just finally cried myself to sleep.
Johnny: The bed is soaking wet.
Moira: Is it blood?

Quote from David

Johnny: Wake up. Start packing, the plumbing is shot to hell in this place and we are getting out. We are getting out!
David: What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown?
Johnny: It's a nightshirt, David. And that's not the issue.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Hello! Hello! Service? This bell is broken.
Stevie: Yeah, sorry. It's more or less decorative.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Rose?
Johnny: Yes. My wife and I will be taking breakfast in our room this morning. Eggs Florentine and a yogurt parfait.
Stevie: Yeah... Unfortunately, due to a lack of everything, we don't do room service. Uh, but you're always welcome to help yourself to our complimentary espresso bar.
Johnny: I'd rather drink the pipe-water.
Stevie: I hear ya.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Rub my back.
David: What?! No.
Moira: I rubbed your back many a nights when you were little.
David: Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance.
Moira: Fine. You may select one silver piece from my accessory case.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Children, mindless bickering is a luxury we may no longer afford. You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud but our world's evil twin has reared her ugly...
David: Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door.
Moira: David! You might actually wanna hear this.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Thanks for having us, Jocelyn. Thank you.
Jocelyn: Make yourselves at home. Roland is just on the toilet.
Johnny: Oh, what a surprise.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball.
Johnny: Cheeseball? [chuckle]
Jocelyn: It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: So, David, tell us about yourself I hear you're a gallerist.
Roland: Wow. There's a $10 dollar word for you.

Quote from Moira

David: Yeah, you know what? I I think I need to go.
Johnny: I think you need to eat something and that will help.
David: No, I think I need to go back.
Moira: [quietly] Take me with you please.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: I'm Twyla... from the cafe.
David: Yeah. Yeah. David Rose.
Twyla: I'm a little drunk.
David: Hm-hmm.
Stevie: Hey.
Twyla: Hey, Stevie. I am going to roast myself a marshmallow. Anybody?
Stevie: No, thanks.
Twyla: You're all good?
David: No.
Twyla: Great.

Quote from David

Stevie: I don't know why you were so reluctant to show up here. You fit right in.
David: Well, my sister texted me "help". And my mind went straight to deliverance. So I wasn't too far off.
Stevie: That's funny because your sister texted me from across the bonfire and said you'd probably show up here because you were bored and lonely and had nothing better to do.
David: Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being. That's where that's coming from so...

Quote from Moira

Roland: Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?
Moira: I don't care.
Johnny: She can't remember, there were so many slaps.
Moira: Enough about me. Let's talk about you signing this contract.

Quote from Roland

Roland: There it is again! Bam! Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivian-
Moira: Moira.
Roland: I will go ahead and sign off on the sale-
Moira: Good.
Roland: For a slap.
Moira: Excuse me?
Roland: I've always wanted to be slapped by Vivian Blake.
Jocelyn: It's true. We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Sweetheart! We got the thing signed, okay?! And if we have to fix this town up before we sell it, then we fix it up. We fix it up, bit by bit. And it's gonna take hard work but we can do it because we're Roses. And there is nothing we can't do-
Alexis: Hi, hi. You're being super loud right now.
David: I can hear you thought the headphones!
Alexis: So if you can just wrap it up in here. [exits]
David: Ten to a five. Thanks. [exits]
Johnny: I feel good about this. I really do. [water drops onto the contract in Johnny's hand]

Quote from Moira

Moira: I can't do it.
Johnny: This place is a dump! It's a dump!
Moira: I tried!
Johnny: You know what it's a hell hole.
Moira: I tired, John, but I can't!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: There's a leak in my room. Brown, disgusting sewage water was dripping all over my bed this morning.
I was soaking wet. So I need a plumber.
Stevie: You want me to call a plumber?
Johnny: [incredulous] Do I want you to call a plumber? Yes, yes I do. I want you call- You should already be on the phone. Could you call a plumber?

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Let's see if he's home or conscious. He's a good guy, he's just a big drinker.
Johnny: I also need a real estate agent. The name of a good real estate agent right away.
Stevie: Ooh, there's a guy named Ray. Yeah. He's the best one. He's also the only one, so...

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ew! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet...

Quote from David

Alexis: Oh, my God. She has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot.
David: Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Johnny Rose. My wife, Moira.
Moira: Hello.
Ray: Hi.
Moira: Oh, I love your complexion.

Quote from Stevie

David: Oh, excuse me. I don't think my sheets have been cleaned. They smell like cigarettes.
Stevie: No, that's just the way they smell. Also, you can tell your dad that the plumber was busy so I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was.
David: Okay. We're gonna be selling the town, so it'll be someone else's problem soon.
Stevie: But it's such a great place to live.
David: I think you're funny.
Stevie: Thank you.

Quote from Roland

Roland: So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh?
Johnny: Well... [chuckles]
Roland: Shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to sign off on the listing.
Johnny: Well, thank you, very much, Roland, I appreciated.
Roland: Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up.
Johnny: Mr. Mayor, that's not necessary. No, no. Roland, a signature, that's all I need.
Roland: Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do; you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?
Johnny: Right. Okay. Honestly, Roland, it's just a, it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it.
Roland: You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.
Johnny: No, no. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner.
Roland: Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.
Johnny: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, dinner is.
Roland: Dinner it is, attaboy.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: One of you kids has to come. David, you've got nothing on tonight.
David: How how do you know that.
Johnny: What do you have on tonight?
David: What?
Johnny: Good, it's settled.

Quote from Moira

David: You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated.
Jocelyn: Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines.
Moira: Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Lipgloss?
Stevie: No, thank you.
Alexis: I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French.
Stevie: Thank you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hmm. Okay. I'm gonna go do a lap and this swan is best when she flies solo. So you're gonna be okay?
Stevie: I live here.
Alexis: Okay.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: So is that the, ah, contract over there?
Roland: Yeah, it is. You know, I gotta be honest with you, I tried reading that thing it is really boring.


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