David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen.
Johnny: Kempfluugen?
David: She's a Brooklyn based performance artist. She's a big deal. Anyway, um, she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breastfeed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality.

Johnny: The issue is the brown sludge in my bed. We're selling the place!
David: It's 6:00 am!
Johnny: What's the name of that mouthy kid at the front desk?
David: I don't know. I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now.
Johnny: The mouth. The mouth. The girl.
David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening right now.
Alexis: Oh, my God, that's who I was thinking of.
Johnny: You know what?! I'll do it myself.
David: My best to Bob Cratchit.

Jocelyn: I teach high school.
Moira: Oh, you're a saint.
Jocelyn: I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although, I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.
Roland: Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm?
Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute.

Ray: So what can I help you with, housing, investment opportunities?
Moira: Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town.
Johnny: We're willing to settle for what we paid for it. More if you can get it, but definitely not less.
Ray: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not super optimistic. You know, because the government saw no value in Schitt's Creek. You know, when they repossessed your assets. You know, because of the humiliating-
Johnny: Yes, we know. We know. We know.

Alexis: So, why are you single?
Stevie: Who said I'm single?
Alexis: Girl, we are on the hunt. I hope you're single.
Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em.

Stevie: Um, look, I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing, but, you know, close.
David: I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally.
Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts.
David: Okay. I'm gonna pass. I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight, so...

Moira: I brought vodka as a house gift. I don't see it.

Alexis: Stavros just posted three more photos. Who are these jenky women?
David: Uh, from the looks of it they're blonde and mostly naked so...
Alexis: Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns?
Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed so...
Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute.
David: No, it wouldn't.
Alexis: You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you.

Moira: How did you not get the contract signed, John? Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?!

Moira: Or you could go alone, John. Since you are the one who did not get the contract signed.
Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business.
Moira: Don't you dare.
Johnny: It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. And sometimes you follow.
Moira: And which are you doing now, John?
Johnny: I am leading, Moira.
Moira: In a Roland game, I think you're following.
Johnny: Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think-
Moira: Are you listening to this?
David: Hmm?
Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading.