Jocelyn Schitt Quotes   Page 2 of 6    

Quote from Turkey Shoot

Moira: There you are, John! Where did my towel go?
Jocelyn: Moira! Nanaimo bars. Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch, so I thought why not share the wealth?

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Quote from Motel Review

Jocelyn: Okay, there are just parts of this that make me think that's not true. For example, "We should begin by scrutinizing the duplicitousness of such businesses, whose practices, or lack thereof, can only be described as untoward." Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that. And untoward?
Alexis: Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this. Can I see?

Quote from Stop Saying Lice!

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, having your name on a small, local garden wouldn't take away from any of those other amazing achievements.
Moira: You might think, but this little particular little tribute was bought by my husband, in an attempt to assuage my ego.
Jocelyn: And that would be different from the other times because...?
Moira: Well, I mean, of course philanthropy and recognition always go hand in hand, but...
Jocelyn: Listen. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I think it would make Johnny really happy to make you happy. I mean, take Roland. Every year he buys me coconut macaroons, and I just don't have the heart to tell him I am really allergic to coconut. Yeah, every Valentine's Day I just rash right up. [laughs] Last year my throat almost completely shut.

Quote from The Rollout

Moira: Jocelyn, for the sake of that woman, you must push for the maximum sentence!
Lawyer: Your Honor!
Judge: Hold on. You two know each other?
Jocelyn: Not really, we just got to talking on the way in. I- I wouldn't say we were close.
Judge: All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.
Jocelyn: Motherfucker. This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Quote from The Hospies

Jocelyn: Hey. You're home. I was just gonna leave you that little note and a box of chocolates.
Alexis: I got the part, didn't I? Come in, come in! Ohhh Yay! Nom nom!
Jocelyn: I now see that there are different ways to interpret chocolates. Alexis, I just wanted to say...
Moira: Am I hearing Jocelyn?
Alexis: Yeah, she's come to tell me the good news!
Moira: Oh, did she? Chocolates? Are we celebrating, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: The chocolates were a mistake.

Quote from The Cabin

Johnny: No, our relationship is fine. It's just a privacy issue-
Roland: Johnny, Johnny, come on, come on, come on, come on. Take the cabin, okay? And feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed, so...
Johnny: Thank you. Thank you.
Jocelyn: Pick a safe word.

Quote from Little Sister

Jocelyn: Hi. Can I ask you something?
David: Uh, that depends.
Jocelyn: How shall I put this? You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.
David: Thank you.
Jocelyn: Your floral top, for instance.
David: Is there something I can help you with?
Jocelyn: Well, there's a new kid in my school and he's having a little trouble fitting in.
David: Mm-hmm.
Jocelyn: He's also struggling with his sexuality, which I think that you may be also...
David: What can I help you with, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come down to the school, you know, maybe talk to him and tell him that things only get better.
David: The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't-
Jocelyn: I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David. Oh, and honey, get the quilted; that other stuff will chafe you right up.

Quote from The Hospies

Jocelyn: Congratulations, Johnny, I never thought I'd see this little motel recognized for anything, besides the occasional cockroach. [laughs] I made myself laugh there.

Quote from Maid of Honour

Jocelyn: I just don't like horror movies. My first boyfriend took me to a Michael Meyers movie and I never got over it.
Moira: Not The Love Guru?

Quote from The Drip

Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball.
Johnny: Cheeseball? [chuckle]
Jocelyn: It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him.

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