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36Quotes from ‘The Rollout’

Schitt's Creek: The Rollout

411. The Rollout

Aired April 3, 2018

Johnny is excited about the rollout of the motel's new branding, until Stevie gets a rash from the toileteries supplied by David's shop. Meanwhile, Alexis works to organize Singles Week, and Moira is called up for jury duty.

Quote from Moira

Judge: Juror 75, you were asked if you had any personal conflicts that might affect your judgments of this case.
Moira: I don't know these people. I don't know these people. The fact that my own world was ripped out from under me, by someone like this prick of a prestidigitator? I should think would help the court in the quest to make a fair judgment. [crowd murmurs] May I approach the bench, please?
Judge: No, you may not. The Court thanks and excuses Prospective Juror 75.

Quote from Moira

Lawyer: Ma'am, can you assure my client and the Court, that you would, to the best of your ability, uphold the law if selected for jury duty?
Moira: Affirmative. Mmm-hmm.
Lawyer: Do you have any life experiences similar to the facts of this case, that might affect your judgment?
Moira: Well, there was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart on stage in a workshop-only production of "An Officer and a Gentleman". I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement?
Lawyer: So your answer is no.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: But shame on them for summoning a woman in your condition.
Jocelyn: Oh no, I've been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge. I feel like I'm on "The Voice"!

Quote from Ted

Ted: [talking to dogs] Just be outgoing, be open, and show them your best self. And don't worry, I'll be vetting everyone in advance.
Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Hi. How long have you been standing there?
Alexis: Um, long enough.
Ted: Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: We made sure to order those products in time for the rollout.
David: What rollout?
Johnny: The Rosebud Motel rollout. New name, new branding, flowers in all the rooms. New custom towels, all part of the rollout.
David: Um, who taught you rollout?
Alexis: May have been me. Sorry.
Johnny: You know, other than your little blunder, it would've been a flawless rollout.
Alexis: Okay, you really need to stop saying rollout.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, delivery dates are important, when it comes to client loyalty.
David: Okay, do I need to remind you that I'm the one doing you the favour? Accessorizing motel bathrooms is not what I would call on-brand for the store. So, if you would like to pull the account, you can pull the account.
Johnny: Well, I can't pull the account, because it's part of the rollout. So, I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop-out store.
David: Okay. He meant pop-up store, right?
Alexis: Honestly, David, it took him like 2 weeks to learn rollout, so...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? Oh, Theodore, back for another meeting of the animals, I see.
Ted: Hello, Mrs. Rose.
Moira: You know you two are lovely little freaks. In this digital day of discontented disconnection, you two still manage to do things face-to-face, like people from before your time.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, I see you've been lassoed into the judicial process as well.
Jocelyn: Finally! I'm surprised to see you here, though.
Moira: I know, right?
Jocelyn: You've served so many times already. I mean you had to miss the Jazzagals Luau Luncheon because of that hung jury, and then before that, you and Johnny got caught in that criminal trial and couldn't make it to the Seafood Potluck.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. What can I say? I'm a stand-out in the jury box.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Jocelyn, for the sake of that woman, you must push for the maximum sentence!
Lawyer: Your Honor!
Judge: Hold on. You two know each other?
Jocelyn: Not really, we just got to talking on the way in. I- I wouldn't say we were close.
Judge: All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.
Jocelyn: Motherfucker. This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Quote from David

Johnny: Well you, yourself must've thought it was a pretty flower, or you wouldn't have put your whole face in it!
David: I'm sorry for touching my nose to a flower! I just went all Gordon Ramsey on one of my most important vendors! I basically told her, her product was like a jar of Ebola!
Johnny: So, this is, uh, not a good time to talk about future orders?
David: We will be cancelling your account.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Safe to say our animal-loving singles will be well placated.
Alexis: Can I help you with something?
Moira: Yes! Yes. That nudnick at the curling rink just informed me that they'll no longer be able to accommodate our Lover's Messy Sloppy Joe Eat-a-Thon. I'm afraid you have to secure us another venue.
Alexis: Okay, well, can't you do it?
Moira: N- Alas, your co-chair will be busy getting herself out of jury duty today.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: It's the lotion.
Stevie: What?
Johnny: David's lotion is giving you the rash!
Stevie: No, I don't think it's the lotion.
Johnny: And you know what? I'm not surprised! Because he gets a lot of this stuff from farms, and who knows where, and you don't know what's in these natural products!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Bottom line, we need a new venue, so if everyone can just like, ask around? Please.
Mutt: I might have a place.
Alexis: Oh, my God! Okay, um, everyone take a Hot 5. And oh, for those of you asking about the t-shirts, yes, they are supposed to be tight. This is Singles Week, everyone is fair game.

Quote from Mutt

Alexis: And, are you serious about having a venue for me? Because that would be amazing.
Mutt: Happy to loan out the barn, if it can be cleaned up in time.
Alexis: What happened?
Mutt: Oh, I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away, and musta slipped her mind.
Alexis: It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go. Is it bad?
Mutt: Yeah, a nice little home for a family of raccoons. I had to evict them, though, and they didn't go quietly.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You are literally saving my life right now. I feel like I should help you clean, or like, water the plants, or something.
Mutt: I won't turn down the help, but you don't have to worry about the plants, they are very, very dead.
Alexis: Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, you're about to witness a master class in judicatory persuasion.

Quote from David

Johnny: David! Your face!
David: I know my face! I know my face! It's a- It's a heat rash or something! I look like the Phantom of the Opera!
Johnny: Well, you can't greet customers with that face!
David: You don't think I know that? I don't have much choice! Patrick's at some business seminar, I don't really know, because I wasn't really listening.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, this is definitely smaller than the curling rink.
Mutt: Well, it sounds like you've been really busy puttin' this thing together.
Alexis: Yeah. What's happened since you and Tallahassee left on your pine-cone journey?
Mutt: It's, uh, Tennessee, and I'm pretty sure you know that, and that ended a while ago.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: We called it off the day we arrived. She's married to Moonshine now, the owner of the cone form.
Alexis: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mutt: That trip was a disaster. The compass broke halfway there, we ended up following a star for 2 days. Anyway, by the time we got there, we sat down and, uh, spoke our truths. Pretty freeing. That day I picked 700 cones.
Alexis: Hmm, is that like a lot of cones?
Mutt: Well, Moonshine and his daughter, Petal, said it was the biggest one-day haul they'd ever seen. They gave me the Cone of Achievement, which allowed me to take 2 showers that week.

Quote from Moira

Judge: Welcome to jury selection. The case you would be asked to decide is a misdemeanour embezzlement charge levied by the owners of Tom and Marge's Magic and Fun Shop, against their business manager, Mr. Albert Percy.
Moira: Embezzlement, no, no, no, no. I've seen this movie before.
Judge: It is your responsibility to notify the court of anything you've seen or heard, that may impact on your ability to be a fair and impartial juror.
Jocelyn: Moira, this sounds like what happened to your family. This could be your out.
Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! A man needs to be brought to justice.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. So as you know, Singles Week has been taking up a lot of my time, um, because this could be like, a big step forward in my career, and generally speaking, this is like a very cute look for me.
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: Okay not finished yet. The problem is, I've been having um, a hard time focusing on this exciting career opportunity because my mind has been elsewhere.
Ted: Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.
Alexis: Thank you, Ted, but this is different. I love you. I'm in love with you. And, I know I really don't have any right to say that to you. And also, I know you're in a relationship, um, and I'm happy for you, I really am, I just feel like if I didn't tell you how I felt, I would literally go insane. You're the sweetest man I've ever known. And that's it.
Ted: Wow, I didn't I don't know what to say.
Alexis: You don't have to say anything. Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night.
Ted: You know I can't let you do that.
Alexis: Yeah, no. That's no problem. Um, I was just thinking if there was like, a particularly runty one, like Cindy, or like, no, no. That's okay.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: It's just that we don't want people adopting sad dogs. You know, like, singles are sad enough, so we want the puppies to be happy, and fun, and flirty.
Ted: Yeah, I got that note in your email, uh, but, as you know, these are rescue dogs so it's kinda hard to guarantee fun.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, then I will just add that to the immense list of things that I have to do this morning.
Moira: Alexis, you know me, I'm not one to overstep, but perhaps you might be able to strike a few more to-do's off that list if you and Ted spend a little less time fussing over this canine auction.
Alexis: It's a puppy adoption, and we're done. Planning. So, thank you.
Moira: [squeals while holding a picture of a puppy]

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Stevie, why do you keep doing that?
Stevie: I don't know, okay! It might be causing the rash, but it's also the only thing that's making it feel better.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Okay, well we have to now go and see David.
Stevie: No, I think it's a better idea that I just go home.
Johnny: After we handle this. This is the last thing we need in the middle of a rollout!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hello? No one at the counter! Who runs a business like this? Anyone could just walk in here and shoplift.
David: Okay, nobody's just walking in here and shoplifting.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, we have a problem. We have a big problem. You could be sued!
David: What?
Johnny: For retail negligence. Stevie, show him your arms again.
Stevie: I don't want to show him my arms.
David: I don't wanna see her arms again.
Johnny: You realize you're gonna have to talk to Patrick and tell him that you two are gonna have to take a bit of a breather when it comes to... [gesturing to his face]
David: Ew!
Johnny: You know, could be contagious.
David: Oh my, God.

Quote from David

Johnny: Yeah, and here you were this morning, acting like you were doing us a favour with the rollout.
David: Okay, this is one of our best-selling products.
Johnny: Well, we're gonna have to roll it back in. And stop touching your face!
David: You stop touching your face!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, gang, just about time for me to clock out. I gotta tell you two, this time sheet you have is really complicated. By the time I finished filling it out, I was already into overtime. So do you guys have an overtime sheet I can fill out?

Quote from Roland

Roland: Whoa. Stevie! Geez! Yowzer!
Johnny: It's just a reaction to David's moisturizer.
Roland: Well, boy, leave it to Stevie to get a rash from a moisturizer when she's sitting right next to poison oak.
Johnny: What poison oak?
Stevie: Excuse me?
Roland: Well, right here. It's, uh, poison oak in that vase there.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Where did you get those flowers, Mr. Rose?
Johnny: Well, I talked to a few florists, and then I decided it was more authentic and economical, if I just went out back and picked some.
Roland: Uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny, but I don't think poison oak is that expensive.
Johnny: I didn't know it was poison oak!
Roland: Mmm-hmm.
Stevie: Wait a second, if you picked them, then how come you don't have the rash?
Johnny: Well, I was wearing gardening gloves.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: So, someone's gonna have to tell David before he takes it all back.
Stevie: No offense, Mr. Rose, but I'm pretty sure that someone is not going to be me.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: It sounds like it's actually raining harder.
Mutt: So just take the day off, like old time's sake.
Alexis: Um, I am a college graduate, Mutt. Singles Week is not community service, it's actually very important to me.
Mutt: And I respect that.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What is happening?
Mutt: I don't know, I just thought we were here, it's raining, felt like nothing had changed.
Alexis: Yeah, I can see how you would make that leap, but things have changed for me.
Mutt: That's cool.
Alexis: We did have some fun in here, though.
Mutt: Yeah, we did. You were quite the heartbreaker.
Alexis: Yeah. Not like, super proud of that, but...

Quote from David

David: [on the phone] Okay, well I don't know what to tell you, Brenda, I'm rashy! Rashy! Yeah, the batch must be contaminated or something, it's like, some, some cream-borne virus! Yes, it's the cream. My skin is normally fresh, and dewy, and blemish-free. Well, I've already sold half the stock!

Quote from Johnny

David: What now?
Johnny: Oh, I'm just dropping by, you know. Oh, place looks great, really uh, really shaping up.
David: Yeah, I'm just on the phone with the vendor that sold us the infectious moisturizer, so...
Johnny: Well, does the vendor have a sense of humour, because this is a good one! [chuckles] Remember the conversation we were having this morning about, you know, the rash? Well, it turns out it wasn't the moisturizer, it was poison oak. [laughs]
David: [on the phone] Brenda, can I call you back?
Johnny: You know, it seems poison oak accidentally found its way into the floral arrangements at the motel.
David: How did that happen?
Johnny: I don't know. I don't know how it happened. I think someone, someone must've thought it was a beautiful plant.


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