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36Quotes from ‘The Rollout’

Schitt's Creek: The Rollout

411. The Rollout

Aired April 3, 2018

Johnny is excited about the rollout of the motel's new branding, until Stevie gets a rash from the toileteries supplied by David's shop. Meanwhile, Alexis works to organize Singles Week, and Moira is called up for jury duty.

Quote from Moira

Judge: Juror 75, you were asked if you had any personal conflicts that might affect your judgments of this case.
Moira: I don't know these people. I don't know these people. The fact that my own world was ripped out from under me, by someone like this prick of a prestidigitator? I should think would help the court in the quest to make a fair judgment. [crowd murmurs] May I approach the bench, please?
Judge: No, you may not. The Court thanks and excuses Prospective Juror 75.

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Quote from Moira

Lawyer: Ma'am, can you assure my client and the Court, that you would, to the best of your ability, uphold the law if selected for jury duty?
Moira: Affirmative. Mmm-hmm.
Lawyer: Do you have any life experiences similar to the facts of this case, that might affect your judgment?
Moira: Well, there was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart on stage in a workshop-only production of "An Officer and a Gentleman". I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement?
Lawyer: So your answer is no.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: But shame on them for summoning a woman in your condition.
Jocelyn: Oh no, I've been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge. I feel like I'm on "The Voice"!

Quote from Ted

Ted: [talking to dogs] Just be outgoing, be open, and show them your best self. And don't worry, I'll be vetting everyone in advance.
Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Hi. How long have you been standing there?
Alexis: Um, long enough.
Ted: Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: We made sure to order those products in time for the rollout.
David: What rollout?
Johnny: The Rosebud Motel rollout. New name, new branding, flowers in all the rooms. New custom towels, all part of the rollout.
David: Um, who taught you rollout?
Alexis: May have been me. Sorry.
Johnny: You know, other than your little blunder, it would've been a flawless rollout.
Alexis: Okay, you really need to stop saying rollout.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, delivery dates are important, when it comes to client loyalty.
David: Okay, do I need to remind you that I'm the one doing you the favour? Accessorizing motel bathrooms is not what I would call on-brand for the store. So, if you would like to pull the account, you can pull the account.
Johnny: Well, I can't pull the account, because it's part of the rollout. So, I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop-out store.
David: Okay. He meant pop-up store, right?
Alexis: Honestly, David, it took him like 2 weeks to learn rollout, so...

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? Oh, Theodore, back for another meeting of the animals, I see.
Ted: Hello, Mrs. Rose.
Moira: You know you two are lovely little freaks. In this digital day of discontented disconnection, you two still manage to do things face-to-face, like people from before your time.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, I see you've been lassoed into the judicial process as well.
Jocelyn: Finally! I'm surprised to see you here, though.
Moira: I know, right?
Jocelyn: You've served so many times already. I mean you had to miss the Jazzagals Luau Luncheon because of that hung jury, and then before that, you and Johnny got caught in that criminal trial and couldn't make it to the Seafood Potluck.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. What can I say? I'm a stand-out in the jury box.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Jocelyn, for the sake of that woman, you must push for the maximum sentence!
Lawyer: Your Honor!
Judge: Hold on. You two know each other?
Jocelyn: Not really, we just got to talking on the way in. I- I wouldn't say we were close.
Judge: All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.
Jocelyn: Motherfucker. This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Quote from David

Johnny: Well you, yourself must've thought it was a pretty flower, or you wouldn't have put your whole face in it!
David: I'm sorry for touching my nose to a flower! I just went all Gordon Ramsey on one of my most important vendors! I basically told her, her product was like a jar of Ebola!
Johnny: So, this is, uh, not a good time to talk about future orders?
David: We will be cancelling your account.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Safe to say our animal-loving singles will be well placated.
Alexis: Can I help you with something?
Moira: Yes! Yes. That nudnick at the curling rink just informed me that they'll no longer be able to accommodate our Lover's Messy Sloppy Joe Eat-a-Thon. I'm afraid you have to secure us another venue.
Alexis: Okay, well, can't you do it?
Moira: N- Alas, your co-chair will be busy getting herself out of jury duty today.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: It's the lotion.
Stevie: What?
Johnny: David's lotion is giving you the rash!
Stevie: No, I don't think it's the lotion.
Johnny: And you know what? I'm not surprised! Because he gets a lot of this stuff from farms, and who knows where, and you don't know what's in these natural products!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Bottom line, we need a new venue, so if everyone can just like, ask around? Please.
Mutt: I might have a place.
Alexis: Oh, my God! Okay, um, everyone take a Hot 5. And oh, for those of you asking about the t-shirts, yes, they are supposed to be tight. This is Singles Week, everyone is fair game.

Quote from Mutt

Alexis: And, are you serious about having a venue for me? Because that would be amazing.
Mutt: Happy to loan out the barn, if it can be cleaned up in time.
Alexis: What happened?
Mutt: Oh, I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away, and musta slipped her mind.
Alexis: It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go. Is it bad?
Mutt: Yeah, a nice little home for a family of raccoons. I had to evict them, though, and they didn't go quietly.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You are literally saving my life right now. I feel like I should help you clean, or like, water the plants, or something.
Mutt: I won't turn down the help, but you don't have to worry about the plants, they are very, very dead.
Alexis: Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, you're about to witness a master class in judicatory persuasion.

Quote from David

Johnny: David! Your face!
David: I know my face! I know my face! It's a- It's a heat rash or something! I look like the Phantom of the Opera!
Johnny: Well, you can't greet customers with that face!
David: You don't think I know that? I don't have much choice! Patrick's at some business seminar, I don't really know, because I wasn't really listening.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, this is definitely smaller than the curling rink.
Mutt: Well, it sounds like you've been really busy puttin' this thing together.
Alexis: Yeah. What's happened since you and Tallahassee left on your pine-cone journey?
Mutt: It's, uh, Tennessee, and I'm pretty sure you know that, and that ended a while ago.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: We called it off the day we arrived. She's married to Moonshine now, the owner of the cone form.
Alexis: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mutt: That trip was a disaster. The compass broke halfway there, we ended up following a star for 2 days. Anyway, by the time we got there, we sat down and, uh, spoke our truths. Pretty freeing. That day I picked 700 cones.
Alexis: Hmm, is that like a lot of cones?
Mutt: Well, Moonshine and his daughter, Petal, said it was the biggest one-day haul they'd ever seen. They gave me the Cone of Achievement, which allowed me to take 2 showers that week.

Quote from Moira

Judge: Welcome to jury selection. The case you would be asked to decide is a misdemeanour embezzlement charge levied by the owners of Tom and Marge's Magic and Fun Shop, against their business manager, Mr. Albert Percy.
Moira: Embezzlement, no, no, no, no. I've seen this movie before.
Judge: It is your responsibility to notify the court of anything you've seen or heard, that may impact on your ability to be a fair and impartial juror.
Jocelyn: Moira, this sounds like what happened to your family. This could be your out.
Moira: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! A man needs to be brought to justice.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. So as you know, Singles Week has been taking up a lot of my time, um, because this could be like, a big step forward in my career, and generally speaking, this is like a very cute look for me.
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: Okay not finished yet. The problem is, I've been having um, a hard time focusing on this exciting career opportunity because my mind has been elsewhere.
Ted: Oh, I just assumed that's how you always work.
Alexis: Thank you, Ted, but this is different. I love you. I'm in love with you. And, I know I really don't have any right to say that to you. And also, I know you're in a relationship, um, and I'm happy for you, I really am, I just feel like if I didn't tell you how I felt, I would literally go insane. You're the sweetest man I've ever known. And that's it.
Ted: Wow, I didn't I don't know what to say.
Alexis: You don't have to say anything. Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night.
Ted: You know I can't let you do that.
Alexis: Yeah, no. That's no problem. Um, I was just thinking if there was like, a particularly runty one, like Cindy, or like, no, no. That's okay.


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