Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people, but think of all the wonderful people who will benefit from a national park! It's worth it, and you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right, and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.

Andy: "Entrepreneur-bachelor Tom Haverford is making quite a splash in the culinary world. We expect even bigger things from him in 2018." Tom, what does "culinary" mean?
Tom: Means this is a cause for celebration. Round of drinks for everyone on the house.
Andy: Yeah! Oh, let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The vote is tomorrow. If I don't get Jamm out from Tammy's clutches, I'm doomed! It's like rescuing a bunny from a lion, but that lion is a demonic sociopath with really nice cleavage.

Lucy: Well, um, listen, I got some stuff I got to do in the office, but I want to hang out. Do you want to meet me here in, like, an hour?
Tom: Yeah. That sounds great. We'll, uh, got get a little [Chicago accent] Chicago deep dish pizza and go watch the Bears.
Lucy: No.
Tom: [normal voice] I'm sorry I started doing that.

Ben: Okay, hold on. Do you remember what Joan said at the ceremony?
April: That is doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you?
Ben: Yes, she did say that, but no. She knew she wanted to be on TV when she was ten. So what did you want to be when you were ten?
[cut to Ben and April at an funeral director's:]
April: It says here the future of caskets may just be biodegradable plastic.
Ben: Oh, you don't say. Hey, are you chilly? I'm a little chilly, I think.
April: No.

Lucy: Yeah, I think you're really going to like it here. And obviously everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning the series.
Andy: Yeah, it seems really nice. I mean, I am gonna miss Pawnee, though. My wife's there, for crying out loud.
Lucy: Yeah, tell me about Pawnee. It sounds like it's really changed.
Tom: Oh, yeah. There's a ton of new businesses. Gryzzl came in. They gave everyone free tablets and Wi-Fi and phones. You can watch Hitch 2 anytime, anywhere.
Lucy: Finally, that's the dream. Part of me wants to go back, you know? I always kind of liked it there.
Andy: Man, you got me really missing Pawnee now. I don't know what to do. Am I making the right decision? [groans]

Ron Swanson: Why are you here?
Leslie Knope: I'm calling a temporary truce. You need to help me break up Jamm and Tammy.
Ron Swanson: Forget it. You just want Jamm to switch his vote. What is this, revenge for Morningstar?
Leslie Knope: No, it is not about that. It is not about the vote. There is a guy in real trouble, and you might be the only one who can help him. This is about saving someone's soul.
Ron Swanson: He is a monster. Monsters do not have souls.
Leslie Knope: Uh, have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Damn it, Ron. Engage in the culture once in a while.

Ron Swanson: I made this Tammy de-programming kit in case I ever fell victim to her again. First, this is a chastity belt that I made by hand. It might be a couple sizes too big for you, but you can just pad it. The first step is to cut out all sex.
Councilman Jamm: That won't be necessary. We haven't done the deed yet. She lets me rub up against her leg sometimes.
Ron Swanson: Well, all the more reason to wear it. She knows she has that card left to play, and you best believe she will.
Leslie Knope: We're also gonna try a Pavlovian technique. Ron is holding Tammy's perfume, Girth.
Councilman Jamm: [Ron sprays perfume] Oh. Oh, smells good. [Leslie slaps Jamm] Oh!
Leslie Knope: Again.
Councilman Jamm: [Ron sprays again] Tammy. [Leslie slaps again] Oh! How many times are we gonna do this?
Leslie Knope: Until the bottle is empty. Again. Twice.

Dan: Hopefully we get a body in today, so I can show you guys the really fun part: Draining.
April: Oh, God. I hate this so much. Cool. Can I touch a dead body?
Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, eager beaver. That doesn't happen for at least a year.
April: Why? How did you become a mortician? Can't I just sign up?
Dan: Oh, gosh, no. You need two years of school and a year-long apprenticeship. First few years are mostly paperwork and filing.
April: Ugh! Why is every job just paperwork?
Dan: Hey, it's a living. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, I think we're just gonna go, Dan. Um, the reality of your life is incredibly depressing. I'm just gonna stay at my current job until I get old and die and then end up here being embalmed by some weirdo who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open. Let's go.
Ben: Oh, thank God.
Dan: Okay. Have a good one.

Ben: Donna, April, what are you up to?
April: Oh, you know, just regionally directing the Midwest whatever of who cares.
Jerry: Oh, isn't it great? Can you believe that they pay me for this? Because I would do this for free. [knocks over coffee] Aw, jeez!
Donna: [chuckles] I do miss you, Terry. Let me get you some napkins.