Ron Swanson Quote #449

Quote from Ron Swanson in Gin It Up!

Trevor Nelsson: I don't even need an exact number. Just ballpark it. That's all I need to get started.
Ben: Or, I'm sure the state government would love to use your money to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library.
Ron Swanson: Fine, a ballpark figure.
Trevor Nelsson: Thank you. God.
[Ron writes on a Post-it note and hands it to Trevor]
Trevor Nelsson: Holy [bleep]. Is this a joke?
Ron Swanson: Another word for "jokes" is "lies." I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.
Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, an estate of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives. This is going to take some time. Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.
Ron Swanson: That's enough. I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight. Here's my original will. Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official, and I will sign it. Good day.
Trevor Nelsson: Wait. What are all these symbols?
Ron Swanson: [laughs] I was right not to be threatened by you.

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 ‘Gin It Up!’ Quotes

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture. I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Ben: Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach them the right values. But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
Ron Swanson: I'd never lose to a boar. [dart hits board]

 Ron Swanson Quotes

Quote from Gin It Up!

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Quote from Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]