Nadia: Um, I called earlier about the free vaccinations thing. We're hoping to set up a mobile hospital in one of your parks. [Tom stares at Nadia from very close range] I'm sorry, is there something wrong with him?
April: Tom, this witch wants to reserve a park for her satanic ritual. Can you help her?
Tom: [British accent] Right. Smashing. Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford. I sort of run the whole department. Um, what was the name, then?
Nadia: Uh, Nadia Statsky. I'm from Doctors Without Borders.
Tom: Brilliant. The old "D"s without "B"s. Uh, we can definitely help.
April: Yeah, Tom's your guy. He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.
Tom: [laughs] This one is mental. She's joking, obviously. How could I be from Russia? Not with this spot-on British accent. We can definitely get you sorted. Right this way.

Chris: Donna, there is trouble a-brewin'.
Leslie Knope: We think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks and Rec account rather than your own personal account.
Donna: Uh-oh. What'd it say?
Leslie Knope: "See you tonight. Hope you like tongue baths, you big, nasty fireman."
Chris: Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant. I'm both confused, and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.
Leslie Knope: Ew.
Donna: Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.

Perd Hapley: I'm here live, at a press conference, where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.

Donna: Ugh. Ooh, this is bad. I'm gonna get fired.
Leslie Knope: No one is getting fired, okay? Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall. He's trying to take me down, and he's willing to attack my friends in the process? No. No way. Not on my watch.
Chris: Not on her watch.
Leslie Knope: He is not gonna sully your name.
Chris: No sullying allowed!
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about it, Donna. We're gonna nip this in the bud.
Chris: Guard your buds, 'cause they're about to get nipped!
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Chris: Okay.

Ben: I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some "Good Will Hunting." Because he has to draw up a new will, so...
Trevor Nelsson: Yes, I understood, Mr. Wyatt. Thank you. As I've said before, I just don't like puns.
Ben: Oh, well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy 'em.

Trevor Nelsson: If you don't give me the information I need, there's nothing I can do.
Ben: Oh, come on, Trevor. Where there's a "Will," there's a way.
Trevor Nelsson: I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt. Check the accountant crap at the door.
Ben: Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional.

Councilman Jamm: All right, let's begin. These hearings have two goals. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent. And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus. Ms. Knope, do you have a statement?
Leslie Knope: Well, it's actually quite simple. Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, and they posted a personal, private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Councilman Jamm: Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here!
Leslie Knope: I just told you what happened. It was an unfortunate mistake.

Councilman Jamm: Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"--
Leslie Knope: Not a word.
Councilman Jamm: We may never find out what happened. When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager." Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake. Why do you keep flip-flopping?
Leslie Knope: Well, because I learned new information. When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater!
Leslie Knope: It's utterly meaningless.

Tom: [normal accent] What, what, what? There she is. Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, a latte, four bags of coffee beans, and a mini espresso machine.
Nadia: What happened to your accent?
Tom: Oh, yeah. It's gone. Huh. You know, I had a cold recently. I think that may have affected my voice, like, in certain British ways.
April: Well, that's all there is to that story, so no need for any more questions.
Nadia: You have a cold? Can I feel your glands?
Tom: Sure.
Nadia: Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.
Tom: Best way to prevent crow's neck.
Nadia: Is this glitter?

Tom: So, those are the forms. You filled 'em out. Great. April's gonna file these. Hey, when is the thing you're doing in the park? I'd love to come by and maybe help administer vaccines?
Nadia: Oh. Are you a doctor, somehow?
Tom: No.
Nadia: No follow-up to that? Okay, great. Um, well, I'm not actually gonna be attending the event, so if you could just give me the permit, so that I can go home to Indianapolis and never come back here?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here, using the most powerful weapon I have: bureaucratic incompetence.