Leslie Knope: I need new material, and it needs to be great, and it needs to knock people on their butts, and it needs to transcend the genre of roast comedy. Perkins, go.
Ann: Oh, wow. Um, okay, so Councilman Milton is old, right? And he's wearing a green tie. So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green. [chuckles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault. You've never had to compensate for anything. The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat.

Leslie Knope: Well, the honeymoon was amazing. We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. Theoretically.
Ben: It's possible.
Leslie Knope: Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall.
April: [mock gasps] Shut up.
Leslie Knope: You know.
April: Oh, my God, what was it like?
Leslie Knope: It was amazing. Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.
April: Oh, my God, bummer.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I have presents! Um... Chris, we got you an Acai tree because the Acai berry is a superfood.
Chris: And a super gift.
Leslie Knope: Donna, we got you some coffee, because you said, and I quote, "I like my coffee like I like my men. Dark, rich, and full-bodied."
Donna: Yes, indeed.
Leslie Knope: Ann, we got you some very rare Hawaiian fertility tea, guaranteed to help you have a baby.
Ann: That's so nice. Where'd you find that?
Leslie Knope: Well, the busboy at our restaurant told us about a guy who we met in a parking lot, and then he had a backpack full of this stuff, and I'm just realizing now that it's not tea. And I'm gonna throw it away.

Ben: Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work.
Ron Swanson: A handsome gentleman.
Leslie Knope: We did not forget Jerry.
Ben: Right, right.
Leslie Knope: We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog.
Jerry: Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington!
Ben: Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero.
Tom: [gasps] No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii Five-0!
Ben: April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano.
April: Thank you.
Ben: Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target.
Andy: Thank you. All mine are dirty. Thank you, Hawaii.

Jessica Wicks: We are so excited to have you working with us here at the all-new Sweetums Foundation. This is your office.
Ben: This is incredible. And look at that art.
Jessica Wicks: Ah, yes. My late husband. He was so decrepit. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I really like helping people. Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest. So, win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Martin Housely: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch, where politicians and the media make fun of each other. But, if you ask me, we should be making fun of the food. [as Nixon] "I am not the cook." [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, well, well. If it isn't Kim Terlando from the Pawnee Sun. Do you happen to have a can opener? 'Cause I'm about to open this on you.
Kim Terlando: Did you make that can of "whoop ass" for this exact moment?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I came prepared.
Kim Terlando: I'd expect nothing less. Good luck with your speech.
Leslie Knope: Uh, my speech doesn't need your luck. It needs a Surgeon General's warning because it's so harmful to your health. Oh, look, it has one. [scoffs] That's how ready I am.

Tom: Whoa! Check out the new digs. This place is insane.
Ben: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm super swamped, and I need your help.
April: Pass.
Ben: You came down here to pass on helping me?
April: Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Kim Terlando: It's nice to be here among all of these excellent journalists. And also the people that work with me over at the Pawnee Sun. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Damn it. That was my opener. Now I love working at the Sun, okay? And I know you all think it's just a useless tabloid, but it's not. It is great. For housebreaking puppies. [laughter, ohs]
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Those are my jokes. She's stealing my jokes.
Kim Terlando: Some people say that the Sun has a problem with the truth. There's no problem, we just ignore it.
Jerry: [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Jerry, stop laughing. Those are stolen jokes! Totally dead. What am I gonna do? [can top pops] Oh! I just opened up a can of "whoop ass" on myself!

Councilman Milton: I remember the very first Correspondents' Lunch. I rode here in a horse and buggy. [laughter] No, no, no, that wasn't a joke. I actually did. [laughter continues] That also was not a joke.
Leslie Knope: Ron, Kim told all my jokes, all of them. She must have gotten a copy of my speech. Did anybody lose their copy?
Jerry: Oh, jeez.
Leslie Knope: Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And no dessert!

Joan Callamezzo: Perd Hapley is here today. Or, as Perd would say, "My name is Perd Hapley, and the person I see here today... is me." [laughter]
Perd Hapley: Everyone seems to be laughing now.