Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This land is begging to be a new national park. And it's in my own backyard. This could be my crowning achievement. I could retire. I mean, I wouldn't. I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week. Oh, God, I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off. Maybe I'll go to law school or something.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] That park is my dream. I'm not gonna let it slip away. Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron have more money? I have the most valuable currency in America. A blind, stubborn belief that what I am doing is 100% right.

Tom: Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero. But who is my hero? Simple. It's me. Five years from now.
Janet: Okay, I really only need a correct spelling of your last name.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: You are looking at one of Indiana Business monthly's 35 under 35. I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast-casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper. We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter. I'm a mogul now.

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm being honored at a gala tonight because I'm in charge of the Pawnee bicentennial celebration. It's my biggest project since Ice Town. So it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader, instead of being yelled at and pelted with things. Wait, you don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

Leslie Knope: I don't want to talk to him. I should hide. No, he should hide. He should run. He should run away. He should hide his stupid face. He shouldn't be--
Ron Swanson: Hello, Ms. Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hello, former strange person I used to friend. You're looking very... Ron-like.
Ron Swanson: You have your same hair.
Leslie Knope: No, I don't. I have bangs now.
Ron Swanson: I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn.
Leslie Knope: Well, maybe you should!

April: It takes like eight hours to cook something in this thing. I guess I could pick up a brisket tomorrow and start it for dinner Thursday.
Andy: Oh, Thursday's no good. I have production meetings all day. Then we've got dinner with Joe and Donna on Friday. Hey, you know, Sunday. We can go to the farmer's market, put the brisket in the slow cooker, get a movie on pay per view. The new Jason Bourne movie's supposed to be pretty funny.
April: [screams] Andy? We're planning our whole week. Like old people. We used to be spontaneous and weird. We used to eat cereal out of frisbees because we didn't have any bowls. You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.
Andy: I won.
April: Now you sprained your shoulder trying to clean out the stupid gutter. You even have a job. We have a bank account! That's it. We've held out as long as we could, but it finally happened. We're boring. We're boring people who will bore each other by being boring.
Andy: No! We are still fun. I'm gonna prove it to you. Tonight at the gala, we are gonna do something spontaneous and weird.
April: Okay. [to the slow cooker] Stop taunting me.

Andy: Says here there are 12 closets, three bomb shelters, five dumb waiters, two and three eights baths. No kitchens. It's a fairly standard layout.
April: Cool, is that a staircase to nowhere?
Keg Jeggings: Yes, it is. Good eye.
Andy: What was this place?
Keg Jeggings: Remember the Pawnee doll head factory?
April: This was a doll head factory?
Keg Jeggings: No. This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.
Andy: What's behind this door? [gasps] Fire poll.
April: So this place has had zero offers?
Keg Jeggings: People seem to be scared off on account of it being haunted... and disgusting.
[aside to camera:]
Keg Jeggings: After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I left the parks department two years ago. Now I work in the private sector, running my own building and development company. It's called Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.

Andy: [aside to camera] Everything is going great. April's kicking ass at her National Parks job. Uh, I work there part time. And I have my own TV show.
[TV clip:]
Announcer: Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Hour.
Jerry: Morning, Johnny. I have something for ya.
Announcer: It's Mailman Barry.
Andy: Morning, Barry. I have something for you.
Jerry: Andy, no.
Andy: Ninjas attack!
Jerry: No. Oh! That's my crotch.
Andy: Okay, guys. Three more kicks a piece.

Leslie Knope: Get on the phone to Washington. Call in every favor that we have. Dave, put Missouri on the back burner. This is top priority. You all have 36 hours to find me $90 million. Go!
Ben: Whoa, $90 million?
Leslie Knope: Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions. Which, by the way, attendance has been up. That's not a coincidence.
Ben: Pawnee's rich and famous will all be here tonight. Maybe you start there.
Leslie Knope: That is a very smart idea. And that tuxedo makes you look like a sexy orchestra conductor. Here, wave this pen around.
Ben: Focus.