Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Winston: Gotcha! [laughs] Prank Sinatra, baby!
Cece: What?
Schmidt: I don't get it. The truck is the prank? What, did you pay the rental fee? Winston, that's just nice.
Winston: You didn't have to move.
Nick: Yes, we did have to move, you idiot. We got evicted.
Jess: What is he talking about?
Nick: I have no idea.
Winston: Engram Pattersky. If you rearrange those letters, what does it spell?
Jess: "My greatest prank."
Winston: My greatest prank!

Schmidt: I have an idea ... I'm gonna have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails. Jess will be all, "Why, thank you." Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle."

Winston: All of our stories start and end with Nick. What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us?
Schmidt: Well, you know what we have to do, right?
Winston: We're gonna track Jess down and kill her with this knife.
Schmidt: We have to sabotage the date.
Winston: Or we do your thing. Let's do your thing.

Nick: I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts. It's like the wild west. No laws. Whiskey for a nickel. Whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do. You're always there when I need you, Tran. Thank you. I'm glad you got no life. I'm joking. Would you settle down? My father just died. I don't know, life's short, huh? It just kind of... I got to start doing things, Tran. Making moves, grown-up moves. I don't know, I want things. I want to, like, mow a lawn, you know, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess? What would you do? Of course you would, you dirty dog. [laughs] Well, in reality, Tran, what would do if you were me? A date? What if that's not what she wants? What if she... oh! What if she...? All right, you're right ... no second-guessing. I got to be confident, I've got to be clear. Women like that. All right, I just got to say... Jessica, you are a beautiful woman, and my life has not been the same since I met you. And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh... go on a date with me.