Winston: Here's the difference: you got backup now. Have I ever let you down as a partner? Except for that mixed doubles tournament.
[flashback:]
Winston: Got it! [doesn't move for the ball, drops racket]
[present:]
Winston: We don't got to talk about that. We ain't got to go back there.

Nick: Winston, he's a great guy.
Uncle Naseer: Mm-hmm.
Nick: He and I go way back. Tons of stories, tons of... tons of stories.
Uncle Naseer: Really? All right.
Nick: Right now?
Uncle Naseer: Yeah.
Nick: One time he was taking a bath and he fell asleep. [wheezing laugh]You believe this guy? What a nut. Life of the party, this guy.
Uncle Naseer: He fell asleep in a bath? That's the story?
Nick: That's the story? No. That's the start of the story.

Cece: We are out of appetizers. They stripped this tray of shrimp like piranhas. They didn't even leave tails.
Schmidt: I think someone took a shower in the bathroom. We don't have towels or soap. I don't know how they did it. We need to reexamine this whole no rules thing. It's a freaking circus in here. What are we gonna feed these people in the meantime? In about ten minutes, they're gonna start eating the drywall.
Cece: I think there was a... [plate clanks loudly] Thank you.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Cece: I think there was a bag of rice in the house when we bought it.
Schmidt: I thought that was barley. It was really dirty. Okay, fine, whatever. Boil it up!

Robby: Okay, well, it's really dark and uneven, but at least we found the trail.
Jess: Yeah, I mean, it's like a night hike. [chuckles] Maybe we'll see a colony of bats. [chuckles] It's kind of like a waterfall. But with monsters, in the sky.
Robby: [thunder cracks]Oh! Oh, man. Okay, uh, Jess, it's raining.
Jess: Let's take shelter in that cave!
Robby: What if it's more of a nest than a cave?
Jess: Whatever. It'll do.

Aly: So what, you think I'm just some cold robot who needs some guy to loosen me up, make me happy?
Leslie: I just said Winston's good for you. Oh, my God, you always get like this!

Aunt Karen: The wheelchair boy, Timmy, speaks very highly of you. [takes out loose floss]
Winston: You're Aunt Karen?
Aunt Karen: Mm-hmm.
Winston: You didn't make a lot of sense.

Jess: Hey, Robby? Do you ever think it's, like... ...it's not good that we're so similar?
Robby: Oh, I don't know. You know, my Great Uncle Shep Wallingford used to say, "You buy the horse that you see in the mirror."
Jess: Did you say "Wallingford"?
Robby: Mm-hmm.
Jess: I have Wallingfords in my family, out near Boston.
Robby: Ah, mine are in, uh, Newburyport. They were kind of, like, local celebrities. They were well-known for making...
Both: Women's watches.
Robby: How'd you know that?
Jess: [sings] Wallingford watches
Both: [sing] 'Cause the time is now And the look is wow!
Jess: Robby... I think we're related. [both scream]

Jess: Do you have an Uncle Tony?
Robby: Tony, with the long fingernails, and he always wears a whistle around his neck.
Jess: Robby, we are third cousins.
Robby: Oh, my God!
Jess: Why, God?!
Robby: Ah! We're going to hell!
Jess: [groans]
Robby: We did stuff.
Jess: No, stop! I can't live in this reality!
Robby: Just saying. At least not second cousins.
Jess: Ah, I can't.
Robby: First cousins would be way worse.
Jess: Please, no. People do it all the time, in the, in the mountains.
Robby: In the mountains.
Jess: [retches]

Cece: Don't be startled.
Schmidt: God! What are you doing in here, Cece?
Cece: I am hiding, okay? That party is out of control.
Schmidt: Some guy almost burned his eyebrows off trying to light a cigarette on our stove. It's complete anarchy in there.
Cece: Can we just hide in here and hang out together?
Schmidt: We haven't christened the garage yet.
Cece: Ooh, you make a very good point.

Winston: Have you guys seen a kid in a wheelchair?
Nick: That was me.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Whoa!
Winston: Wow.
Schmidt: Nick, what are you doing in here?
Nick: Look, I was having a hard time with your stories, so I took a little poetic license. People started asking some questions. Things got ahead of me. And I had no choice but to hide in the car.
Winston: Nick, I thought you were gonna stick to the tub story.
Nick: It's not a story, Winston. It's not a story!