Schmidt: You're inviting them over here?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: Winston, this place is a hellhole. Look at this. All the dishes are broken. I'm eating pasta out of some thing that Jess and Robby made in a clay class.
Jess & Robby: Pottery workshop.
Schmidt: What the hell is this compartment for?

Schmidt: Oh. But you know what, maybe you're right. If we want to be the place where friends gather... maybe we got to chill.
Cece: Yeah, because we... we want to be the hub. You know?
Schmidt: Ooh, we'd make such a good hub.
Cece: Yes, we would.
Schmidt: Make such a good... We'd make such a good hub.
Cece: Are you having an orgasm right now? Are you kidding me?

Winston: You know, I want to make a good first impression.
Nick: Oh, that makes sense.
Winston: How's my shake?
Nick: Nope. No, no, no, no, no. Do not go in with two hands. Also, why are your hands so wet?
Winston: Damn, for me that's dry.
Nick: They're dripping.

Winston: How's this for Aly's mom?
Nick: I'm Aly's mom?
Winston: Okay. Mm-mm. [smooches] Not today, honey.
Nick: Yeah, all wrong.
Winston: We bring it in for the real thing.
Nick: All wrong. All wrong. Okay. That was very aggressive. You invaded my space. I didn't feel safe. Just be more normal about it. Like this. Hey, how are you? I'm Winston. Nice to meet you.
Winston: Oh, like, hey, how are you? I'm Winston. Zip, a pleasure, uh, to do it.
Nick: See, all of that, cut that out. Okay.

Nick: Look, they're gonna love you. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna mill about. I'm gonna talk you up. I'm gonna tell your stories.
Winston: Yes. Use one of my good ones, the ones that make me look awesome. [chuckles] Like the time I fell asleep in the bathtub.
Nick: But all that one is is that you fell asleep in a bathtub. The end. End of story.
Winston: That's amazing.
Nick: I think we can come up with better ones, don't you?
Winston: No, that's a home run for sure because I woke up wet.
Nick: Now I see.
Winston: And also, it's all about how you tell it.
Nick: Right.
Winston: I trust you. You're the writer.
Nick: I am, and that was the gift I was given.

Nick: Put her there.
Winston: You got it.
Nick: What is going on with these hands?
Winston: What?
Nick: A second ago, they were dripping wet, and now they are piping hot.

Winston: Leslie!
Leslie: Winston! I hit your car when I parked. Sorry.
Winston: Yeah, I... I didn't drive here.
Leslie: Oh, well, that's a relief.
Winston: Anyway, uh, your sister is on her way. Where are your parents?
Leslie: Oh, my dad doesn't take highways for political reasons. But everyone else is here.
Winston: Cool. Come on in. [laughs] Hey. Hi there. Hey there. Hey. Hi. Thank you. Wow. How big is your family? [chuckles] Oh, my gosh. Hey. How many cars did you guys take? Hey, make yourselves at home. Everybody come on in. Did you guys rent a bus?

Winston: Keep them closed.
Aly: All right, last time you did this, you revealed Furguson in a tuxedo.
Winston: [laughs] This is even better. Say hello to... your entire family!
All: Surprise!
Aly: [whispers] What the hell is this?
Winston: [quietly] So, do the cute, surprised look you do. Nah, that's not it. That's not the one. Remember? When you... Oh. You're pissed.

Jess: I'm sorry. Just... I'm really hungry.
Robby: Here. You can have some of my trail mix.
Jess: That's just a bag of raisins.
Robby: Well, that's because I only like to eat the peanuts and the chocolate.
Jess: Well, I only like the chocolate and the peanuts, too! Why do we even add raisins?!
Robby: I don't know!

Winston: Hey. What's the matter? You know, I got all your family together in one room. You know, you're being greeted by all the people that you love.
Aly: I know.
Winston: Well, except for your parents, but they will be here soon, barring any surface street traffic.
Aly: That is so sweet, Winston. And I do love my family, but they're crazy. And, honestly, they make me a little crazy.
Winston: Every family is crazy.
Aly: Every time we get together, it's a disaster. Like a giant hot air balloon catching on fire.