Jess: Do you have anything else that is, free, but also has bread in it? Because the.... The, like, good bread I ate and the... All that's left is a... It's like a... It's kind of like a health bread?

Jess: [on the phone] It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me put myself through college.
Cece: He didn't say the college part, did he?
Jess: Um, no, I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.
Cece: Really? What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh... Rebecca Johnson?
Cece: Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson.
Cece: Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you.

Jess: That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Nick: Do you have any pets?

Jess: This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. Spencer hated light. It's hard to say his name.
Schmidt: It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.
Nick: Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped.
[flashback to Nick and Caroline at a restaurant:]
Nick: I can't hear you, that means we're not breaking up! We can't break up if I can't hear you! No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Caroline: I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. I need some time away-
[present:]
Nick: Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped. And I'm over it. Okay, it was six months ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even know why we're still talking about it. Why's everybody looking at me?

Jess: You know what, I want to live here.
Nick: Actually, I still have some questions. I mean, like, no offence but we barely know you.
Jess: Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the break-up so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least 6 or 7 times... a day. [Coach shudders] Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot. [sings] A lot... I'm tired of living with my friend. She's a model. All her friends are models.

Schmidt: Okay, um, can you give us a second? I've just gotta.. I gotta talk to my boys.
Nick: "My boys" is not a thing in here.
Schmidt: My bros.
Nick: Okay, Douchebag Jar.
Schmidt: Come on, you're my bros.

Schmidt: Nick, it's all you, buddy.
Nick: Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points. Points that I respect, but I will say this. I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys.
Coach: Nick, you're weak!
Nick: Okay, Pros: they smell nice. Cons: every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why. They'll ruin your life if you let 'em, they'll break down your will to live. Pros: they're really good at folding.
Coach: Make a decision!
Nick: I'm sorry, you know what? But, like, another pro, like when you-
[Nick puts his hood up over his head]

Schmidt: [to Nick] Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. Okay.
Nick: I know what I'm talking about.
Coach: We pushed him too hard.
Schmidt: We did push him too hard. How about this? Executive decision, she's in.
Jess: [o.s.] Yay, I'm in!

Jess: [on the phone] I gotta go, mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. No, I don't think so. [to Nick] Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet?
Nick: Yes, I am.
Jess: He says no.

Nick: It has been a week of this madness. I am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take it.
Coach: You know what? I got this. [sits down opposite Jess]
Jess: Hi, Coach.
Coach: [firmly] Stop it. Stop!
[Jess wails even louder than before]
Coach: Schmidt!