Jess: Hey, guys, um, listen up. Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior.
Nick: Who's Sarah?
Jess: Russell's daughter, so no F-bombs, P-bombs. Actually, no "B" through "S" bombs, no bombs. And no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi.

Schmidt: Cece's acting really weird. Do you think she's getting tired of me? I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra?
Winston: I'm not listening to you.
Schmidt: I'm just, I'm just saying, look, do you think she wants something more than sex? Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 'Cause I can't handle that, man.

Jess: Um, hey, I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.
Sarah: Really?
Jess: Yeah, anything.
Sarah: Are you in love with my dad?
Jess: Hmm... oh...
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?
Jess: G... uh...
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: What? No, it's not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone plow jobs?
Jess: I don't know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person animal-style?
Jess: Do you want to learn how to play bridge?

Cece: Sarah? Hey, Sarah. Um, look, you should definitely not be having sex right now at this age, but when you do, just make sure you always use protection because, even if he says it's tantric and you're Indian and you know better, you're just going to end up pregnant anyways.
Schmidt: What? Cece, are you pregnant?
Sarah: [o.s.] Whoa!

Sarah: Don't you think Nick is hot?
Jess: Nick? Um... yeah, in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way.

Schmidt: If you're a boy, I'm gonna... I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, Menachem Menandel, Schmerson.

Schmidt: Oh, my God. The Melman funeral?
Ouli: No.
Schmidt: We were both sitting next to... to Un... Un-Uncle Jack? Yeah, sure.
Ouli: I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel...
Schmidt: Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca.

Nick: All right, what's with the suit? And if you say swing dancing, I'm gonna slap your face.
Winston: Well, my boss is going to be on TV today... Michael Strahan's new talk show On the Strahan Narrow.
Nick: Great show.
Winston: He's got too many DUls to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him.

Nick: Hey, that's not fair. The girl I've been hanging out with is totally mature and interesting.
Jess: Please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants.
Nick: Your hair looks nice.
Both: Ugh.
Nick: Mmm, this coffee is smoldering.
Winston: So creepy.

Ouli: I can be here in under five minutes if I need to be. Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, except my husband is out of town, and you're Sarah's favorite teacher and my husband's favorite teacher.
Jess: [chuckles] Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, but, um, you keep saying "husband" and I just want to make sure you and Russell... you're not still married?
Ouli: [laughing] Oh... no, no. [both laughing]
Jess: 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't some very important piece of information that I totally missed.
Ouli: No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, if you know what I mean.
Jess: Yeah. Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly?