Schmidt: Blindsided?! How the heck you gonna feel blindsided?! We've been best friends ever since college!
Nick: [snickers]
Schmidt: Are you snickering?
Winston: Za-zam! [laughs]
Nick: [laughs] Was it worth it?
Winston: Oh, it was worth it. Would've paid double.
Nick: [laughs] All right, get up. You stupid bastard. Come here. Of course I'll be your best man!
Schmidt: All right!

Jess: This is... our year. The Chinese zodiac says it's the Year of the Monkey. I say it's the Year of... [sings] Us... It's the Year... Of Us... It's the Year Of Us... Us...

Winston: Hey, you guys! Just saying hey!
Schmidt: [both sing] He's your carport hero, baby
Nick: Carport hero, baby
Schmidt: He can take away your pain
Nick: Stand by you forever
Both: He can take Your breath away.

Nick: Jess says hi! Do you prefer the windows down or the AC? Wow, you look just like Cece!
Woman: [speaking Hindi]
Nick: Yeah. It's amazing, yeah. I own it myself.

Nick: [on the phone] I don't think I can. You have no idea how anxious this woman is to get to the party. [to the Indian woman] No, no, no, I told you, we're not there yet. You got to stay plugged in. You're such a pill.
Jess: Well, just take her to the mall, get her some soft serve. Be sure to save your receipts. I'll reimburse you from the party fund. Got to go.
Nick: Mrs. Parikh, can you keep a secret? I'm going to kill this soft serve nonsense. [she whimpers] You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna play laser tag! [she screams]
Woman: [shouting in Hindi]
Nick: What are you doing?! We're gonna play laser tag! It's a fun American game! It's a fun game!

Schmidt: Ms. Parikh. [awkwardly hugs her]
Priyanka: Who are you?
Schmidt: Oh. My goodness. Of course. I must be completely unrecognizable to you from the countless photos you must have seen. In honor of your visit, I stood the humble recipient of a professional shampoo.
Priyanka: So you're the man who's marrying my daughter?
Schmidt: Sure am.
Priyanka: No wonder she didn't tell me that she was engaged.
Schmidt: Oh. Oh, no, then.
Priyanka: I'm assuming she was afraid I would disapprove.
Schmidt: But now that you've met me...
Priyanka: I disapprove. Strong disapprove.
Schmidt: Let's take a moment to applaud your daughter's instincts.

Cece: No, no, no. Look, Schmidt. Mom. I'm sorry. I can explain everything.
Nick: Presenting... Cece's mom! [Schmidt groans]
Cece: Except for that.
Priyanka: I'm her mom.
Nick: You're her mom?
Cece: That's my mom.
Nick: [to the Indian woman] Then who are you?!
Schmidt: Not her mom.
Nick: That's her mom!
Schmidt: A dumb little boy you are!
Nick: [answers phone] Yeah. Hello.
Jess: So, does Cece's mom love Schmidt, or what?
Nick: Which Cece's mom? The real one or the one I may have kidnapped?

Woman: [speaking Hindi]
Nick: I'm trying to find out where to return you.
Woman: [speaking Hindi]
Nick: You have pepper spray? Why didn't you use that on me?
Woman: [speaking Hindi angrily]
Nick: All right, I'll talk to you later.

Nick: [to Schmidt] Okay? I'm sorry I screwed up my easy job.
Woman: [speaking Hindi angrily]
Nick: And stop being so mean to me, or I swear to God I'm gonna fall in love with you!
Woman: [speaking Hindi angrily]
Nick: Where you going? Come back.

Nick: Let me make it up to you. I know that I said I wanted the easy job. But screw that. I'm the best man, Schmidty. I want the hard jobs. I can handle it. So what do we got? What do we need?
Schmidt: We're past hard at this point. We're well into impossible. It's an unfixable situa...
Jess: [horn honks fanfare] Schmidt, I did not just drive 15 miles on a gout throne to watch you give up. Especially not... [sings] In the Year... of Us.
Schmidt: Look at yourself. Look around us. Maybe this isn't our year.
Jess: I have a plan.