Nick: I can't pick up Cece's mom from the airport! It's too much pressure. You said I only had to do the easy best man stuff.
Schmidt: You're picking someone up from the airport in a car. Not outer space in a canoe. It is easy, Nick.
Nick: Then why don't you do it?
Schmidt: I can't pick her up. Tonight is one of the most important nights of my hair's life, and I need a shampoo. Not a cut. They'll try and cut it, but I won't let them. Getting a day-of cut would be insane. Unless, of course, Julian's working. [Nick sighs] Julian won't be working though. You keep fireworks in your car? What are you, a little Chinese boy?

Winston: Guys, look, quit it, okay? Ever since I became the Carport Hero, you're treating me like I'm special, and I'm not. It's me. Winnie the Bish! The Bish with the wish! And my wish is to have fun! Which is exactly why I'm not gonna confiscate the fireworks behind your back.
Nick: Yeah, you got me, Officer Bishop. You can have it. I also want you to have this Jesus wig.
Winston: You know, wigs aren't illegal.
Nick: I know. But I think it would look awesome on you.
Winston: So do I.
Nick: Put it on.

Jess: Don't worry about me. The doctor said I'll be good as new in no time. I know I don't look like somebody who should be questioning somebody else's judgment, but... maybe you should have told your mom you were getting married.
Cece: I know. I'm just so worried that she is not gonna like Schmidt. And then she won't give us her blessing... which would kill me.
Jess: Oh, she'll love him when she meets him.
Cece: Schmidt is not exactly what my mom had imagined for me. You know, she wanted someone maybe not so... white?
Jess: [laughs] Oh, he is so white. Remember when the power went out, and we put him in the window to keep the planes away?

Priyanka: We come from a country of 400 million men. Let's say half of them are no good. Another half, very ugly. That's still 100 million eligible men. Sure, ten percent are gay. Puts us at 90 million men.
Schmidt: Ms. Parikh, I love Cece.
Priyanka: Cut it in half again just for fun. 45 million men.
Schmidt: Cece, when were you gonna tell her?
Cece: I'm sorry.
Schmidt: On our wedding day when we were standing beneath our custom hybrid mandap-chuppah?
Cece: [crying] I'm so sorry. I just... I wanted the moment to be right. I'm sorry.

Jess: Cece, Schmidt... [groaning] Oh, God. Crunch. Ah... Shoot me. [sighs] You have my blessing.
Nick: You have my blessing, too.
Winston: Mine, too.
Nick: Oh, come on, Not-Cece's mom. That would've been awesome. It was a natural three. You got to finish.

Jess: Are you nervous to meet Cece's mom?
Schmidt: No. Cece said her mom is really excited that her sexy little bronco has finally met a cowboy that can tame her. Paraphrasing. And I'm really excited to meet the woman that Cece came out of. Not paraphrasing.

Schmidt: Last spring, I knelt, as I do now, and altered both of our lives forever. And ever since then, I'm sure you've been wondering when I was gonna make this part official. Nicholas Miller, will you do me the honor of being my best man?

Cece: Oh, hey. I'm glad you're up. I've got something important to ask you.
Jess: I'm ready.
Cece: Would you... Hold on a second. I need coffee.
Jess: Here's one.
Cece: Aw. Thanks. Mmm. Mmm.

Nick: This just all feels so sudden that, uh... I don't know what to say.
Schmidt: Just say yes.
Nick: Well, I want to say yes. I really do. But I'm sorry. I'm just not there.
Schmidt: I think that you are there. But I think it scares the hell out of you.
Nick: I wish that were the case. I just... In my heart, I don't know if I'm your best man.
Schmidt: Nick... I need you to get there.

Cece: Do you want to be my maid of honor?
Jess: Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!