‘Big Mama P’
Season 5, Episode 1 - Aired January 5, 2016
After Schmidt and Cece pick Nick and Jess as their best man and maid of honor, Jess arranges a big engagement party and flies Cece's mother over from India. Meanwhile, Winston is fed up of being treated like a hero for saving a kid.
Quote from Nick
Nick: And whatever it is, I'm in. I got this guy's back.
Jess: Don't think we actually need...
Nick: I know, but I'm in, is what I'm saying.
Jess: That... I mean...
Nick: [sings] Whatever it is, I want in.
Jess: Okay, whatever.
Nick: I want in.
Jess: Schmidt, how important is this to you?
Nick: Have I made that clear? That I want to be, like, a third.
Schmidt: You can be in. You're in. You're in.
Nick: Thanks. That's all I wanted her to say.
Jess: Are you willing to do whatever it takes?
Schmidt: Of course.
Nick: I also didn't love the tone that, like, "I'm in, but who cares that I'm in?"
Quote from Jess
Jess: [over speakers] Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention please? Hello. I'm Jessica Day. I'm the maid of honor, but when I fell down the stairs, I wished I was made of rubber. [laughs] [man coughing quietly] Uh... This one goes out to the secret romantic in the audience. Just a little reminder that love... [chuckles] conquers all. And without further ado, MaHotMoves Gandhi. Follow me, follow me. Follow me!
Quote from Jess
Schmidt: I've revised my vision.
Cece: Honey, without my mom's help, I don't think we can afford to parachute the rabbi in.
Schmidt: Well, that's why I've pared it down to only the things that matter.
Jess: That's great. We can throw a wedding on a budget. This is our year. We can do anything. Now, who's gonna take me to the john?
Cece: Not it!
Jess: Really? You're the only girl here.
Cece: I can't. It hurts my back.
Nick: Who keeps giving her juice?
Schmidt: You're in a senility scooter; use a diaper!
Quote from Winston
Big Schmidt: Love each and every one of you sons of bitches. Now, who are you? I'm Groomsman Number Two. [chuckles] Big Schmidt, Schmidt's cousin.
Robby: I'm Robby, Groomsman Number Four. I am the ex-boyfriend of the bride, and a weirdly close friend of the groom.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: I'm Number Five, J. Cronkite Valley-Forge. CFO of Associated Strategies, LLC. I'm 62 years of age, was recently widowed, and I believe earnestly that if we can all work together this wedding season, we will get more boom-boom than a TNT factory. [men laughing] Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time.
Winston: I have a brief statement from G3, who could not make it here tonight. It says, "Dear Jess, I can't fly in for every damn party. I will see you at... [imitates Coach] the wedding." If you know Coach, that's exactly how he... "Wedding." And then he always goes, "Coach." [laughs]