Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, here's the thing, Mr. Mayor. Even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it's not gonna solve the big problem.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: What problem is that?
Adrian Monk: Your Honor, we have got to... You've got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It's a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we'll never get the stink out. It's like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a... a B.M. on there. I mean, what do you? You don't have any choice really. You gotta replace the carpet! You gotta- You gotta get rid of the cat. And you can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can't. But, I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, good.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. It just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city. Every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two! We burn it down We just burn it. Scorched earth. Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes. And what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three. We bring everybody back and we start over. Think of it. Just think of it. We rebuild San Francisco. From scratch. Start fresh. Everything clean. Everything brand-new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot. We can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: But they use pickaxes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're moving on.

Natalie: Well, maybe somebody injected him with something, like a needle.
Lieutenant Disher: No, I was there, I would've seen that. A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lieutenant Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long, elastic wire attached to the blow dart. They're called Dartarangs.
T.K. Jensen: How do you know they're called Dartarangs?
Lieutenant Disher: 'cause they're probably called it. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Just nod your head and say maybe.
T.K. Jensen: Maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Interesting, Randy. Interesting.

Adrian Monk: A self-cleaning vacuum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

Dr. Bell: All right, hold on here. Adrian was trying to warn us.
Harold Krenshaw: A classic cry for help. Or was it an attempt to divert suspicion? Hmm. Do you even have an alibi for Wednesday?
Adrian Monk: No.
Harold Krenshaw: How about when Barbara was killed? [Monk shakes his head] Of course you don't. Here's what happened. The HMO changed their policy, no more private sessions. You were desperate. You needed to kill one of us so there'd be an opening in the group. Do you deny it?
Adrian Monk: [stands up] Of course I deny it.
Harold Krenshaw: Which is exactly what a guilty man would say!
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Harold Krenshaw: Augie was next. You lured him up to the roof. It was easy. He trusted you. But I don't. You're planning to pick us off, one by one, until you have Neven all to yourself. He's the guy.
Dr. Bell: Harold, what you are suggesting is absurd. Adrian's not capable of killing anyone. Mr. Monk, you're not a killer.

Adrian Monk: Where's the towel? There's no towel next to the pool. I wouldn't go swimming first thing in the morning in October without a towel. I mean, I wouldn't go swimming anyway, but you see what I mean. I think she was killed.
Lieutenant Disher: Let me guess. The victim was not afraid of water. It's him, The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no Opposite Killer. If there were, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago.

Natalie: So it was suicide?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. Look at his wrists. Hair has been pulled out. Someone taped them. He was tied up.
Lieutenant Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lieutenant Disher: That's different. It's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider is?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm. Tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie: Are you crying?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.

Adrian Monk: Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. These are your whites.
Samuel Waingaya: My whites, excellent.
Adrian Monk: Your off-whites. Your off-off-white. These are the primary colors: red, yellow, green, blue, and that's indigo. Left socks, right socks. I've labeled them for you.
Samuel Waingaya: But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don't like to judge people, but that's wrong.
Samuel Waingaya: So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
Adrian Monk: Uh, $200.
Samuel Waingaya: But I've been watching the Friends on TV for years. This is not how they do it.
Adrian Monk: What friends?
Samuel Waingaya: You know, the TV show Friends. Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we don't get the African TV here.

Marci Maven: You know, "fan" can mean one thing to you, and then, you know, something completely different to, like, say, judge Harriet Waxman of the Third District Court, you know? And I'll tell you something about Judge Waxman. She's never been in love. So she's shooting from that perspective, you know what I mean?
James Novak: Where did you get all these pictures?
Marci Maven: Oh, do you like them? Yeah, yeah, they're, um... Well, this one is probably my favorite, If I had to pick a favorite. This is actually real. It's not Photoshopped at all. And it's from a case we worked on together, a homicide. It took a lot of clue hugs, but we cracked it.
James Novak: How about that one?
Marci Maven: This one? Okay. Um, this one is another case, but this one wasn't, um... This one wasn't as real.

Natalie: I have to talk to you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, what are you doing?
Natalie: Is this him? It's him, isn't it? He's the "Car Wash Columbo."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Car Wash Columbo". Uh, Reginald, we need to take a break.
Reginald: Cool, I'll wait outside.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nice try, kid. Jackson, could you baby-sit my young friend here for a minute? Go on.
Natalie: It's him, isn't it? [off Stottlemeyer's look] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [hitting Stottlemeyer] Why didn't you tell me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I am so sorry.
Natalie: You're sorry?! But how?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. "Leland Rodriguez"?
Natalie: That's his name.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's just stupid.