Captain Stottlemeyer: Hell of a thing, the oldest man in the world. Randy had a theory. He thinks maybe the second oldest man in the world did it, to claim the title. He actually looked into it.

Dr. Kroger: It's fascinating.
Adrian Monk: Yes, isn't it? Isn't it fascinating? I'm so glad you're intrigued. Who is she?! Why is she haunting me?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Well, think!
Dr. Kroger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Were you really thinking?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, I was really thinking, but Adrian, I think maybe you find her attractive, and this could be a very healthy sign.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. [closes eyes] No, that's not it.

Lieutenant Disher: Who's playing me? Anybody lined up? Is there any word from casting?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm thinking Brad Pitt. I mean, if it's in the budget. It's always about the budget.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're gonna have to take off your belt.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I was going to anyway. To hang myself. Don't get me wrong, it's a great system. It really is the best justice system in the world.
Natalie: I agree.
Adrian Monk: I just don't wanna be a part of it.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what if everybody felt that way?
Adrian Monk: Everybody does.

Dr. Bell: All right, look. I am not giving up. Doctors are performing miracles everyday. I'm just gonna put all your appointments in my book. Three, four weeks ahead of time. All right, Adrian Monk, Monday 11am. Adrian Monk, and Wednesday...
Adrian Monk: You're using a pencil.
Dr. Bell: Oh, it doesn't mean anything.
Adrian Monk: You never used a pencil.
Dr. Bell: Well, I didn't have a pen.
Adrian Monk: It's right there. Your pen is right there. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even- My time is up. Ha, "My time is up", get it? Goodbye, Dr. Bell.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, this is not goodbye. It's never goodbye.
Adrian Monk: Goodbye.

Lieutenant Disher: A guy named Colbert. Jake Colbert. He's a drifter. He lives out by the beach. You think you can I.D. him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know how. Maybe you haven't heard. I am blind.
Natalie: But you'll do the best you can. Right? You're not gonna give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh, have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind!