Natalie: So, according to this snapshot, it looks like her Buick was parked over there. So maybe somebody backed up. What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are we doing here? I'm a homicide detective.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I know it's not the crime of the century, but someone did this to her, and Linda Fusco deserves justice too.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's next? Getting cats out of trees? Chasing jaywalkers?
Natalie: You know, Grandpa Neville used to always say- Grandpa Neville used to say a man's reputation-
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Anything but another Grandpa Neville story.

Adrian Monk: You're right. You're right. He backed out like this. He must've gone this way. He went the wrong way. Why was he going the wrong way? Video camera covering the exit. He didn't want to be taped.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, ooh, that's good. Now we're cooking!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Now we're cooking.
Natalie: So if he didn't want to be taped, why would he leave a note?
Adrian Monk: Maybe there was a witness. Somebody saw the accident, was watching him-- Maybe the perpetrator thought that if he just drove away, the witness would report it. So he got out and pretended to leave a note.
Natalie: Okay. All right. So we have to just find that witness. Where should we start?
Adrian Monk: We might wanna start with Bill Gibbard.
Natalie: Bill Gibbard. That's great. That's great! Oh, it's exciting!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. This is a thrill a minute.

Natalie: Hello, there. Hi. We're looking for Mr. Gibbard.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Captain Gibbard, and you're looking at him. What's left of him. But I can't help you today, missy. Got bull-kelp. It's fouling my propeller something terrible every time I go out past the southeast barrier. Avoid the southeast barrier. That's my advice.
Natalie: Okay. That's some great advice. Thank you.

Natalie: Captain, this is Adrian Monk.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Monk?
Natalie: Yeah, he's a private investigator. We wanted to talk to you about a car accident that happened in that parking lot on Wednesday morning at 6:00.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: I wasn't here.
Adrian Monk: Your sign says that you're here at dawn every day.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Well, I guess I must've been. But I didn't see nothing.
Adrian Monk: You heard it though, right? It's only a couple hundred feet away.
Capt. Bill Gibbard: Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Monk? [shoves Monk]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Capt. Bill Gibbard: I don't like private investigators.
Adrian Monk: Neither do I. It was her idea.

Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just settle down here. Captain, if you happen to remember anything, could you please give us a call? Here's our card.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: It's our card.
Adrian Monk: It's 85 cents.
Natalie: Let go of the card, Mr. Monk. Let go of the card! Here you go. Thank you for your time, Captain. Let's go.
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie: How'd you get so cheap? Really?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least, I used to. Now I just get bull-kelp splashed on me.

Adrian Monk: I really think that's an N.
Natalie: It's not an N, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what if it is? What if there is somebody out there named Nell who's got all the answers?

Lieutenant Disher: Is this Mitch?
Natalie: No, that's not Mitch! Does that look like Mitch?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know.
Natalie: That's my grandfather. That's Neville Davenport. He's our patron saint.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was he a detective?
Adrian Monk: Nah. No. He was the famous toothpaste tycoon. Help me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Help me! She's gone mad.

Natalie: Ms. Fusco, can we help you?
Linda Fusco: Yes, I would like to drop this off. Here is an estimate from the body shop. My new bumper's going to cost $900. And when you find this son-of-a-bitch, I want you to make him eat this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait a minute. This is your big case? A fender bender. How'd you keep this out of the paper?
Linda Fusco: It is important to me, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. By the way, sorry about the divorce. I've been in real estate for 14 years, and I can smell divorce from 100 yards away. Whose couch are you sleeping on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually, I'm not sleeping on a couch.
Linda Fusco: It's a futon.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.
Linda Fusco: Well, when you are ready for your own apartment, why don't you give me a call?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe I will.
Linda Fusco: Oh, I know you will. As a matter of fact, I could show you a couple of things right now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: As a matter of fact, I've got a little time right now. My car or yours?
Linda Fusco: No, I always do the driving.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll bet you do. Let's go.

Adrian Monk: All right. Let's get this over with. You know what happened on Wednesday morning and so do we.
Jay Bennett: You do?
Natalie: Are you gonna deny it?
Jay Bennett: I, uh... I don't think I should talk about this. I think I should call a lawyer.
Natalie: No. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think we need to drag lawyers into this. They're just gonna, you know... Blah, blah, blah... Make a federal case out of it.
Adrian Monk: It was an accident, right?
Jay Bennett: That's right.
Natalie: I mean, these things happen every day, right?
Jay Bennett: Uh, well...
Natalie: It's not a big deal.
Jay Bennett: Not a big deal? What kind of cop are you?
Adrian Monk: Come on, you pay a few bucks. Everybody walks away. It's like it never happened.
Jay Bennett: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Jay Bennett: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: What's he talking about?

Natalie: We are talking about this. We have a client. You hit her Buick. And you damaged the fender.
Jay Bennett: Her fender?
Natalie: Yes, it's going to cost her $900. Plus, I think an apology would be nice.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, what did you think we were talking about?
Jay Bennett: I don't know, but you got the wrong guy.
Adrian Monk: The wrong guy? Come on! It's a new headlight.
Jay Bennett: You're so smart? Prove it. Excuse me.