Natalie: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm making lunch.
Natalie: And what's wrong with those?
Adrian Monk: Those are not quite up to snuff. You know me. It's got to be snuff.

Natalie: You know what Grandpa Neville's favorite expression was? "Leap and a net will appear."
Adrian Monk: Well, he sounds like a very pleasant, very insane person. It's not even at the right address.
Natalie: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: No, it isn't. Shunpike Road. That's all the way downtown.
Natalie: It's the right address.
Adrian Monk: It isn't.
Natalie: Yes, it is.

Natalie: When Grandpa Neville first started out, I swear to you his office looked just like this. Okay, so this is my desk. And yours is in there. So when the clients come in, they sit there. But then they come in here and talk to me. And if I think they're legit, then I send them in to you.
Adrian Monk: What clients?
Natalie: Oh, they'll be calling. I took out some ads on the Internet and in the phone book.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this.
Natalie: Oh, yes, you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grownups have a word for that. We call it embezzlement.

Adrian Monk: Okay, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. I really do, but I have a job. I am a consultant for the police department.
Natalie: Not full time. And, Mr. Monk, they haven't called in weeks.
Adrian Monk: Which is fine with me. I am not an ambitious man. I am not Grandpa Neville.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, that man lied to us. I need to talk to him again.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Oh, by the way, my cousin saw your profile on Make-A-Date.net. I didn't know you like bossa nova.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, that was, um... It was... There was an undercover sting operation going on with Vice. And... Okay, I admit it. I, um, I signed on. I was curious. Tell your cousin that I was just joking around.
Lieutenant Disher: That's okay. You can tell her yourself. You've been talking to her all week. She's Sexy In Sonoma.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's your cousin?
Lieutenant Disher: When did you put in a hot tub?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't put in a hot tub.
Lieutenant Disher: She said you put in a hot tub.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I had a hot tub when I was at the motel.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, that must be it.

Adrian Monk: It's been two days. You're human. You made a mistake.
Natalie: It's not a mistake.
Adrian Monk: It's a mistake.
Natalie: Okay, it took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it took off.
Adrian Monk: You know, not everybody feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville. For example, I was just thinking how much fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a big stick.

Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick? Adrian Monk? I'm Linda Fusco.
Natalie: Wait, do I know you? Are you an actress?
Linda Fusco: Real estate.
Natalie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Linda Fusco Realty. On bus stops and billboards.
Linda Fusco: Wow, I can't believe Larry finally rented this dump out. How much is he getting, $3,000 a month?
Natalie: $3,200.
Linda Fusco: Whoa, boy. He's having you for lunch. Next time, you come to me. Adrian, I've been asking around.
Cops, reporters... And they all say that you are the man.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a man.
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no. He's just being modest. He is the man. He is the gold standard. He is like Philip Marlowe and Sherlock Holmes just rolled into...
Linda Fusco: Sweetheart, I'm showing a condo in 20 minutes. So let's get this going. Follow me.

Linda Fusco: This is a Lucerne 275 Northstar V8. I get a new Buick every year. It's my trademark. See?
Adrian Monk: There's a scratch.
Linda Fusco: It's a dent. It's a dent. Here and here. Son of a bitch. And he left this on the windshield. "Go to Nell." Adrian Monk: Who's Nell?
Natalie: Monk, I think that's an H.

Linda Fusco: It happened at the Marina Wednesday morning. I have a boat there. I got there at ten to six to pick something up, and then I came back...
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fusco-
Linda Fusco: Ms. Fusco.
Adrian Monk: Miss Fusco.
Linda Fusco: Ms.
Adrian Monk: Linda. Linda, you must be insured.
Linda Fusco: But why should I pay for something that I didn't do? I love this car. This is my baby. And I want you to find that son-of-a-bitch, Mr. Adrian Monk, and make him pay for it.

Natalie: Yeah, it's a matter of principle.
Linda Fusco: Exactly.
Natalie: We'll take the case. I'll draw up the contracts. We get $400 a day.
Linda Fusco: I'll pay you $3,000 if you catch the son-of-a-bitch. And if you don't, you get zip. I work on commission. Why shouldn't you?