Lieutenant Disher: Who belongs to the crown vic out front?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, is it green?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's like a charcoal grey with flames on the side. And on the roof and the windshield.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And on the flames on the windshield?
Lieutenant Disher: Flames on the windshield.

Adrian Monk: Are these his shears? Has anyone else touched them?
Joy: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: Just wrap these up. Take the gloves too, they're rubber. We can lift some prints off the inside.
Joy: I found it.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Joy: This is your flower.
Natalie: It's plastic.
Adrian Monk: [sniffs] I love it.

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, here's your paycheck. Plus your expenses.
Natalie: All right, who says crime doesn't pay?

Lieutenant Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lieutenant Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any ID at all? Fingerprints, anything?
CSI Tech: You need fingers for fingerprints.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [sings] Heaven I'm in heaven And my heart beats So that I can hardly speak [talks] How you doin'? [sings] And I finally found the happiness I seek [talks] Hey there, Kevin. You look good. You losing weight? Good deal. [sings] When we're out together Dancin' cheek to cheek. [talks] Hey, I smell ribs.
Lieutenant Disher: It is ribs. You're in a good mood this morning.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm in a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days, can you believe it? [sings] Heaven I'm in heaven and my... [talks] Holy monkey.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, a couple of hikers found him this morning.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Any ID?
Lieutenant Disher: No. We got a boot. One boot, everything else burnt up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: One boot? Holy monkey.

Lieutenant Disher: Figure it's a drifter sleeping in the park, some kids come by, they shoot him, then set him on fire, found a nine millimetre shell right over here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A couple of kids shot him first?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I think so. His back wasn't as well done. So he wasn't rolling around. I think most people would, you know, roll around instinctively. You know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: We found this too. Rum, probably his own bottle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 151. That'll do it. Any prints on the bottle?
Lieutenant Disher: No, wiped down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, kids would not wipe down the bottle, there's something wrong here. Call Monk, have him meet us at the morgue.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can cover that up now. [sings] I love to go out fishing on a river or a creek But I do not love it half as much as Dancin' cheek to cheek, Oh heaven.

T.K. Jensen: Oh, my God, is that a person?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it was a person, they found it in Colin Park.
T.K. Jensen: Well, who is it? Or who was it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We don't know.
Adrian Monk: No, they took his wallet, everything's burned.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we'll be lucky if we can get a DNA match.
T.K. Jensen: God, you have to do this every day?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Honey, I don't teach kindergarten. We knew this when we met.

T.K. Jensen: Actually, I have a favor to ask you, and it's a little embarrassing. Stephanie got arrested last night.
Adrian Monk: Who's Stephanie?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stephanie Briggs, it's her maid of honor.
T.K. Jensen: We're sisters, I mean, we feel like sisters.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd she do?
T.K. Jensen: Nothing, it was just speeding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was she drinking?
T.K. Jensen: No, I swear. It was just speeding, it was her third offense.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, where did they take her?
T.K. Jensen: She's here. Downstairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In a holding cell?
T.K. Jensen: They wont release her until the judge comes in tomorrow.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So where's her car?
T.K. Jensen: The impound lot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll see what I can do.
T.K. Jensen: Thank you, thank you! You're my hero. Meet me out back in a half an hour.

Stephanie Briggs: Oh, smell that sweet air.
T.K. Jensen: Oh, please, drama queen. What were you in there for, like, 20 hours?
Stephanie Briggs: I thought I was gonna have to dig my way out.
T.K. Jensen: She would not dig her way out, because she'd be afraid she break a finger nail.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I ask you a question?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell were you thinking? You were going 75 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood.
Stephanie Briggs: It was an emergency, Leland? I had to get to the caterers before they closed.
T.K. Jensen: See, she was doing it for us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's just a wedding, it's not worth getting killed over.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, we ought to be getting married at the beach, just you and me. Something simple in the sand. Jeans and sandals.
T.K. Jensen: The wedding's not just for us, it's for the families.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're the boss. That's my tuxedo. Thank you very much for picking that up.
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah, maybe I should check it, make sure it's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure it's fine. I rent from these guys all the time.
T.K. Jensen: I can't wait to see you in it.
Stephanie Briggs: Oh, that's nauseating, I wanna go back to prison.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bye, drive safely.
Stephanie Briggs: I'll keep it under 100.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Cute.