Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey. I've been calling you guys all day. Have you been avoiding me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, we have.
Natalie: We were waiting till we could print this for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's seeing somebody. I knew it. Who is it?
Adrian Monk: We never saw his face.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this the only photograph you got?
Natalie: Well, we sort of got arrested.
Adrian Monk: It's a funny story.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't wanna hear it.
Adrian Monk: No, it's really funny.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I really don't wanna hear it. It's Sharkey, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. If you look at the shape of his left ear...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't wanna hear about the shape of the man's ear. Monk, it's him. I can tell.

Lieutenant Disher: Number three, please put the yo-yo away.

Adrian Monk: That might have been the worst lineup in the history of law enforcement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it wasn't exactly textbook, was it.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, what should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You do your job, Randy. You write it up exactly as it happened. Don't worry about me.

Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, Natalie called to tell me that you've been fighting again. Are you okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm okay. Why don't you ask about your boyfriend?
Sergeant Sharkey: Hey, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, I've never seen that man before in my life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can just stop pretending. Now you're just insulting me.
Sergeant Sharkey: Karen, would you just tell him? Leland, I know you want to kill me. I'd probably feel the same way, all right? But you gotta understand, whatever happened between Karen and I didn't mean anything. All right? It was a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm apologizing to you.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Who are you? Leland, he must be crazy.
Sergeant Sharkey: Karen, it was fun. You gotta face the music. It's over between us.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Okay? Okay, I don't know him. You've got to believe me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do I?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do. You have to believe me.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me, Sergeant. Are you chewing that apple on your left side?
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, so?
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sergeant Sharkey: Why? Because your friend knocked my tooth out two day ago, remember?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I remember. But he didn't hit you on this side. The captain is right-handed. He hit you on the other side. Your left side. The side, the side you're chewing on.
Sergeant Sharkey: Okay.
Adrian Monk: The Captain didn't knock your tooth out, did he?
Sergeant Sharkey: What are you, crazy?
Adrian Monk: I'm remembering a few other things. You- You used to work at Mendocino, right? When we saw Michael Karpov in the park, his son was wearing a shirt. It said Mendocino Day School.
Lieutenant Disher: Michael Karpov lives in Mendocino.
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, a lot of people live in Mendocino. I don't know Michael Karpov.
Adrian Monk: I think you do. Ten minutes ago, downstairs, you were wearing those clothes and Karpov called you Sergeant.
Natalie: That's right. I heard that too.
Adrian Monk: How did he know you were sergeant, Sergeant?
Lieutenant Disher: [on the phone] This is Disher. Is Gerald Vengal still in the building?

Adrian Monk: You work for Michael Karpov.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We always suspected there was a cop on his payroll.
Adrian Monk: You killed Chicklet, didn't you? That's why you didn't shoot him. 'cause you knew the bullet could be traced back to your weapon. Here's what happened. You lured Chicklet to the junk yard. But he fought back. He must've hit you. You were bleeding. You lost a tooth. And you had a big problem. Your DNA was all over that crime scene. And the cops were on the way. You didn't have time to clean it up. You put your uniform on. You returned to the scene. But you knew forensics would be there any minute. What to do? What to do? Then you had an idea. If you picked a fight with someone, if you could provoke them and get them to hit you, you'd be home free. They could find your tooth, your DNA, your blood. And nobody would ever question it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You told my husband we were sleeping together so that he would hit you?
Sergeant Sharkey: Okay, would you stop. You can't prove any of this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think we can. We can connect you to Karpov. We'll pull your phone bills, your e-mails, your bank accounts.
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, I think you might need a little more than that.
Gerald: That's the guy. I've been telling you guys all day. I saw him at the junk yard. That's the guy. [taking Sergeant Sharkey's apple] Oh, hey, are you done with that? It's not for me. It's for Devo. He's had a pretty rough day.
Adrian Monk: That mouse was in my pocket. It was in my pocket.
Lieutenant Disher: Let's go, Sharkey.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Heck of a thing, huh? Actually, it's kind of flattering if you think about it. He picked me because he knew that I would react. 'cause he could tell how much I love you.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's not flattering, Leland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Karen. I know that I've got a temper, but I've been working on it. I've got a yo-yo. Actually, I, uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Why didn't you believe me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I had Monk follow you yesterday afternoon. He saw you meeting a man.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You had me followed?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanna tell me about him?
Karen Stottlemeyer: His name is Max Tepperton. He's a divorce lawyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You've been sleeping with a divorce lawyer? You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I forgive you, Karen. Hell, I'm no saint. We'll get past this.
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, Leland. He's representing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stottlemeyer vs. Stottlemeyer. Why?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Because you have to ask why, Leland. That's why.

Natalie: So is that it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. Twenty years, two suitcases.
Natalie: Where are the boys?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're with Karen. At her sister's.
Natalie: How are they doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not good.

Adrian Monk: Listen, Captain, if you need somebody to talk to, just call, anytime about anything even in the middle of the night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know your number.
Adrian Monk: No, no, it's not me. It's Natalie's home phone. She's really good.
Natalie: He's right. Anytime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Natalie: Well, you know the old saying, "When God closes a door..."
Captain Stottlemeyer: When God closes a door, sometimes he breaks your heart.
Natalie: That's not the old saying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It is today.